Usual disclaimers apply!
Warning. This story contains references to a violent act.
VIOLATIONS
by Ann
At any other time, they might have laughed about it. Teased him over
such a momentous event.
But watching their young friend staring listlessly at his untouched breakfast,
no one was laughing.
No one was laughing at all.
Painfully aware of the worried glances being traded around him, Jesse Travis
finally raised his head - the gaunt paleness in his face causing the concern
of three already worried friends to markedly deepen.
"I - I'm sorry, Mark
I - I mean, this all looks great, but
but I'm just not hungry
" he said at last, offering his anxious
mentor a smile that barely had strength to lift his mouth, let alone reach
his eyes. Even the attempt to quip his way past his awkwardness and embarrassment
sounded woefully forced. "Guess I left my appetite back in the pokey
"
Even as he smiled back at his young friend, Mark Sloan could feel his concern
for him deepen.
That appetite, he knew, hadn't been lost in that pokey at all. It hadn't
even existed in the first place. In the four weeks that he'd spent in prison,
Jesse had barely eaten enough to keep a sparrow alive. Weight that he could
ill afford to lose had inevitably dropped away from an already slender body,
leaving him pale and gaunt, sapped of his usual boundless energy.
Mark had assumed that, once Jesse had been released and allowed home, that
appetite would return. He'd been wrong. Since coming home with them, two
days ago, Jesse had yet to eat a decent meal.
Now the feast of breakfast treats that he'd lovingly prepared that morning
had also gone untouched. Not even a stacked plateful of his very best pancakes
had tempted his young friend to eat. If anything, Jesse had become even
more withdrawn
and now Mark was really worried. If the boy didn't
start eating soon, he'd be confined all over again - this time in a hospital
bed. Pushing that last resort thought to the back of his mind, Mark smiled
gently back at his young friend - hoping to lessen the awkwardness that
weighed so heavily on those slender shoulders. "No, Jesse, it's me
who should be sorry
" he replied, giving Jesse's arm a gentle,
fatherly squeeze. I should have realised that
well, that all this
would be a bit much for you
"
Too unsettled to speak, Jesse simply nodded as the group fell back into
another uneasy silence -
a silence that was beginning to grate on Steve Sloan's already frayed nerves.
"Let's go for a walk, Jess
" he said at last - mentally kicking
himself as Jesse stared at him,
the memory of when he'd last heard those words still painfully raw in his
eyes. Offering his friend an apologetic smile, Steve then nodded over his
shoulder towards the beach. "Who knows, maybe we'll find your appetite
somewhere along the way
"
The return smile was just a trace easier as Jesse nodded, before he glanced
uncertainly back at Mark. "Is - Is that okay, Mark
?" he
asked, still clearly feeling awkward over that uneaten breakfast. "I
- I mean
well, it looks so good, and - and you've put so much time
into it for me, and
"
Casting his son a glance of pure admiration, Mark then turned back to Jesse,
smiling his reassurance. "Don't worry, Jess, I'll keep some warm for
you
no, you go on with Steve, and enjoy your walk
Steve's right,
the fresh air will do you the world of good
"
That won him a slightly more convincing, stronger smile as Jesse nodded
and rose from his seat - having to quickly grip its back rim as the movement
caused the sun-deck to spin blurrily around him. He'd hoped that no-one
had noticed - a gentle but strong arm around his shoulders told him otherwise.
Welcoming that protective support too much to push it away, Jesse glanced
up at Steve and smiled. It was still a pale shadow of its usual breeziness
- but it was a smile. For now, that was enough.
Watching them descend the steps to the beach, Amanda glanced at Mark, still
clearly upset.
"Oh, Mark, he - he just looks so lost
!" she said at last,
tears of concern and sympathy in her eyes.
"I know, honey
I'm as worried about him as you are
"
Mark replied, reassuringly hugging her, then nodding to where Steve now
led his other surrogate child through their gate and onto the beach. "But
if anyone can reach him, and bring Jess back, it's going to be Steve
"
As Amanda nodded and smiled back at him, he then glanced back towards the
slowly walking figures. He didn't doubt his son's ability to reach the troubled
friend who was currently lost to them - but it was a task that Mark Sloan
didn't envy him for taking on.
If truth be told, Steve Sloan didn't need anyone to tell him just how
much was riding on this walk.
The past month had been tough on all of them - on Jesse most of all, of
course, but on Steve too.
Captain Bryant's gentle suggestion that he brought Jesse in had seemed a
good idea at the time, but
well, now Steve wasn't so sure. Part of
him wished he'd left that gut-wrenching task to someone else.
The expression of utter shock on Jesse's face as he'd read him his rights
still sorely haunted him.
And when he'd seen those handcuffs being clipped around his wrists
Steve swallowed hard, not wanting his anger to transmit itself to the silent
figure that stood beside him
They'd stopped now, a short distance from the house, while Jesse stared
out at the sparkling ocean.
It was a long running joke between them, that this 'little landlubber' was
so fascinated by the sea.
When he wasn't working, you could always find Jesse Travis standing here,
as he was now,
on the sand dunes in front of the house, seemingly mesmerised by the unending
cycle of rolling waves.
He seemed to find the movement of the water calming - soothing him if he
was upset or angry.
And to Steve's relief, the shoulder beneath his hand now felt slightly easier,
not quite so tense.
Not enough, though, to enable Jesse to open up to him and start talking.
Not enough. Not yet.
Knowing better than to try, Steve remained silent too, keeping his hand
on Jesse's shoulder -
maintaining that precious contact while allowing his own thoughts to drift
back to that fateful day.
The day he'd walked a shellshocked, handcuffed Jesse Travis past his equally
stunned colleagues. Steve had strategically placed his jacket over his friend's
wrists, covering the cuffs that bound them - hoping this would enable them
to leave the hospital with as little unwelcome attention as possible. But
the news had swept through the hospital's notorious grapevine long before
they reached the lobby. Unthinkable news that Jesse Travis - sweet, shy,
gentle Jesse Travis - had been arrested for murder. Many had offered Jesse
encouraging smiles and words of encouragement as they'd strode past. Not
surprisingly, though, his young friend had been too deeply in a state of
shock to notice.
Steve had remained at his side throughout the equally harrowing ordeal of
being booked into custody - keeping his hand protectively on Jesse's shoulder,
offering him silent support and encouragement. Knowing what Jesse still
had to face before he reached the cells had made him determined to stay
put. But then fate had cruelly intervened. One of his ongoing cases had
needed his immediate attention. And under his captain's orders, Steve had
been left with no choice but to leave his young friend.
So Jesse had faced those indignities, of being strip searched and examined
for body lice, alone.
Taken through the shower, alone. Sprayed with disinfectant, alone. Marked
with tracer scent, alone.
By the time Steve had re-joined him, later that afternoon, Jesse had been
totally de-humanised.
Mark had arrived too, sitting next to Jesse on his bunk, trying to reassure
and encourage him.
But Jesse had shown no reaction, either to Mark's words of comfort or Steve's
return to his side.
He'd simply sat between them, saying nothing - staring at the opposite wall
out of blank, glassy eyes. The only response he'd shown, a poignant one
at that, had come when Steve touched his shoulder - a stifled sob, the sight
of him flinching away only cutting deeper into Steve Sloan's conscience.
And so it had started - the nightmare which, as Steve surfaced from his
musings, still continued.
His only comfort, albeit a slight one, was that Jesse hadn't flinched away
from him this time.
He was still standing beside him, staring out to sea - accepting the silent
comfort of Steve's hand.
Yet for all their physical closeness
well, Jesse Travis might just
as well have been on Mars.
And it was this distance, this inability to reach his friend, that was now
fraying Steve Sloan's nerves.
Over the past four weeks, he'd seen his adoptive kid brother undergo a worrying
transformation.
The bundle of seemingly unstoppable energy had retreated into a shell of
silent, almost fearful anxiety. His natural yearning to 'get the hell out
of here
' had quickly risen into a near hysteria to escape. Ben Matlock
had needed to physically stop his young client from making an agitated bolt
for freedom, and Amanda's account of how he'd stood, scared and sobbing,
in her arms, still cut Steve to the core - prompting him to wrap his arm
just a little protectively tighter around Jesse's shoulders. When not even
this elicited a response, Steve could feel his frustration and concern simmer
up to boil. Someone had to make the first move - to make the first attempt
to clear the air between them. And with so much of his conscience to absolve,
Steve quietly reasoned, it might as well be him.
"I'm sorry, Jess
" he said at last, ruefully thinking how
trite and hollow those words sounded.
After everything Jesse had just been through - and two little words were
supposed to make it all better. Trite sounding they may have been, but at
least they'd prompted Jesse to glance briefly up at him.
Before Steve could build on that, though, Jesse then shrugged while glancing
down to study his boots. "It wasn't your fault, Steve
you
well, you couldn't have known what was going to happen
"
Forgiveness had come softly and easily, yet it did little to ease Steve
Sloan's troubled conscience. He was getting the distinct impression that
he was apologising for something he knew nothing about. Oh, this is just
great
! he thought irritably, running his free hand through already
wind tossed hair. On top of everything else, now I've got another damn
mystery to try and solve
!
Even in his deeply withdrawn state, Jesse Travis could read faces like other
people could read books - the irritated confusion on the face of his best
friend causing his own to drop in dismayed realisation. "Oh, God, Steve
!
I - I thought that
I - I mean, I thought you'd been told
"
he said at last, his face, if anything, turning even paler, stricken with
anguish as he stared up at his friend. "I - I just assumed you knew,
that
well, that - that sergeant you told to take care of me told you
"
Normally Steve would be losing his patience about now, telling Jesse to
stop riddling him around.
Something about his friend's tone of voice, though, his shattered expression,
warned him otherwise.
Whatever this 'happening' was, whatever Jesse had seen or experienced, had
clearly traumatised him - which, as Steve thought about it, would explain
a hell of a lot about his current, deeply troubled state. "Told me
what, Jess
?" he asked at last, taking care to keep his voice
calm, gently encouraging.
That seemed to count for nothing, though, as Jesse turned away again, staring
back out to sea.
"I wonder where they're going
" he said at last, nodding
towards a large, cruise-bound yacht.
Thrown by this sudden change in subject, Steve felt himself wince in helpless
frustration.
"Somewhere as far away as you are right now, Jess
" he murmured
softly, sadly shaking his head. To his surprised relief, the change in tack
worked - striking a chord in his troubled friend's conscience There was
still a turmoil of emotions in his eyes, but at least Jesse was looking
up at him again. Keen to build on this progress while it lasted, Steve placed
his other hand on Jesse's other shoulder - turning Jesse round to fully
face him, so that his young friend could see the concern in his eyes. "Jess,
you're scaring me here
" he said at last, taking great care to
keep his voice gentle. "Something's obviously happened to you, something
really serious
and you need to talk about it
Jesse, we've always
been able to talk about everything
you know you can always come to
me, but
Jess, I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong, so
please, Jess, just talk to me
"
For several moments, Jesse said nothing. He just kept staring up at him,
out of stricken blue eyes - and for an awful moment, Steve thought he'd
blown the best chance he'd had so far to reach him. At last, though, after
taking several deep, nerve steadying breaths, Jesse nodded and began to
talk - slowly at first, then stumbling and stammering in haste, as though
a mental dam had suddenly burst.
"I - I was in that cell, waiting to go up for those procedures, when
- when these bikers came in
they were real rowdy, and - and one of
them, this real ape of a guy, I - I think he was their leader
well,
he - he got me cornered up against the wall, and he kept saying he had this
thing for doctors
'specially ones that weren't broken in yet, and
- and what a cute little thing I was, and - and
"
The stammering tumble of words died into silence as the horror of those
memories overwhelmed him.
Five noxiously fetid bodies jostling around him, grabbing him, spreadeagling
him on a nearby bunk. The sound of their drunken, mocking laughter as he'd
struggled frantically to break away from them. The helpless terror he'd
felt as, gagged by a meaty hand, he'd felt others tugging at his clothes.
The horror of realising what these five massive, leering perverts were about
to do to him.
Steve had listened to this bombshell in horrified silence, struggling
to believe what he was hearing.
In spite of his specific instructions, Jesse had been left, alone and unprotected,
in a holding cell -
at the mercy of a gang of drunken bikers who'd only had one sickening thought
on their minds.
Fighting down a rising tide of anger, Steve then placed both hands back
on Jesse's shoulders -
struggling to keep his voice level and steady as he asked the next, potentially
devastating question. "Jess, did - did anything happen
?"
Horrified by the lack of response, he then shook Jesse's shoulders, his
voice rising in sheer panic. "Jesse
? Jesse
! Jess,
did anything happen
?"
The next few seconds seemed to last an eternity, but finally Jesse bit his
lip and shook his head.
"No
" he whispered, staring up at Steve with eyes every bit
as stricken as his next shaken words. "It - It was about to, though
one - one of them, he - he'd gotten to sit on top of me, and
the -
the way he was touching me, I - I knew what he was going to do to me, and
then
then
then before he could
could
the - the sergeant
came back, and - and they let me go, and
"
Suddenly Jesse couldn't continue - and not just from the fact that he was
now too shaken to do so. His face was now buried into the left side of Steve's
chest as his friend pulled him into his arms - wrapping him into a long,
tight, possessive hug that was as much for Steve's benefit as it was for
Jesse's.
"Oh, dear God
!" Steve whispered, still too shocked by what
he'd just heard to say any more.
Then again, he now realised in shaken dismay, Jesse was in no state to respond
to him anyway.
The physical dam had burst too now, allowing torrents of emotion to come
flooding out of him.
Flooding was right. Still huddled in Steve's arms, Jesse was crying as though
his heart was breaking - his entire body shaking from the trauma of re-living
what had happened to him.
If not for the tightness with which Steve was holding onto him, he would
probably have collapsed. In fact, Steve now realised in mounting alarm,
that collapse still looked dangerously likely. Comforting Jesse as best
he could through his own turmoil of emotion, he stared back behind them
- suddenly wishing that they hadn't walked past that last dune, and so out
of view from the house. If ever he needed, and wanted, his father's expertise
and calming reassurance, it was now. But no. Until he could get Jesse back
to the house, and that reassuring expertise, it was up to him.
Jesse was still huddled in his arms, crying uncontrollably, releasing four
weeks of suppressed terror. Until he calmed down, there was nothing else
that Steve could do except hold his young friend close, trying to comfort
him as best he could while struggling to come to terms with what he'd just
heard.
On top of everything else, those de-humanising procedures, Jesse had been
threatened in custody - and had come within minutes, perhaps even seconds,
of being brutally raped.
He'd dealt with other victims of rape, of course, but to think that Jesse
his adoptive kid brother
to think he'd so nearly joined the ranks
of those victims made Steve's blood run cold.
Again he wished that his father was with him, to tell him what to do...
how to react... what to say.
It didn't seem enough to whisper words of comfort to a friend too distraught
to understand them.
To Steve's surprised relief, though, he gradually realised he'd been managing
just fine on his own.
The tears were finally subsiding, the tremors that had been shaking Jesse's
body also ebbing away. A fidgeting movement across his chest then broke
into his thoughts, prompting him to look down - the reassuring normality
of that movement causing him, to his astonishment, to smile.
The tousled head had moved from a now sodden left side of his shirt to a
more comfortably dry right - foraging for a few moments, before burrowing
itself into the snug, dry folds of his jacket.
Still soothingly rubbing Jesse's back, Steve allowed that relieved smile
to indulgently widen.
Even in the midst of so much emotional trauma, it seemed Jesse Travis still
enjoyed his comforts.
That trauma had thoroughly drained him, though, taking away what little
strength he'd had -
the warning faintness in Jesse's voice causing Steve's amusement to instantly
vanish.
"S - Steve
? I - I don't feel so good
"
Instinctively releasing his friend to give him some air, Steve gently tilted
Jesse's face upwards - needing just a glimpse of his dazed expression to
see how much of an understatement that was.
What little colour there'd been in Jesse's face was now completely gone
and those eyes
He'd seen that expression before, on that fateful day when he'd left Jesse
alone in that holding cell. At least this time he was able to say the words
that he would
should
have been able to say then. Words
that would have spared his young friend from the brutal, undeserved trauma
he'd suffered. "Easy, Jess, it's okay
I've got you
okay,
buddy, let's get you back home
" he replied gently, wrapping Jesse
back into another supportive hug while walking him slowly back to the house.
By the time they'd reached it and climbed up the steps to the deck, Jesse's
strength had run out.
His head lolling against Steve's shoulder, he could barely manage to put
one foot in front of the other. Little wonder, then, that Mark Sloan's cheery
smile of greeting rapidly turned into a shocked frown, before he instinctively
rushed to help his son as Steve carried a barely conscious Jesse into the
den. The whys and wherefores would, he realised, have to wait. Right now,
Jesse urgently needed his help.
Laying Jesse onto the couch, Mark gently checked him over while Steve hovered
anxiously nearby - offering advice which, if he'd not been so shaken, his
father would have found highly amusing. "Shouldn't we take him in
?
Or at least give him a sedative, or get him something to drink, or
?"
Wryly wondering when his son had gained a medical degree, Mark finally met
his eyes and smiled - shaking his head, gesturing for Steve to be quiet
while motioning for him to sit at Jesse's shoulder. "All he needs is
you, Steve
" he replied softly, very gently lifting Jesse into
his son's arms - nodding to where Jesse had already curled himself against
Steve's side, his eyes already closing. That friend's solid, comforting
warmth was all his exhausted body and tormented mind needed. Within seconds,
Jesse had slipped into a deep, sound sleep that not even nightmares could
reach.
Allowing himself a relieved smile as he watched Jesse settle, Mark turned
his attentions to Steve - that smile fading back into a frown as he saw
the bitter, barely suppressed fury on his son's face. Mark Sloan knew that
expression well enough by now to know what it meant - and how to react to
it. Concentrating instead on gently tucking the couch's throw around Jesse's
shoulders, he sat quietly, waiting for his son to calm down sufficiently
to compose himself and start talking.
Aware of the increasing concern beside him, Steve finally raised his head
to meet his father's eyes - holding Jesse gently closer as he quietly dropped
the bombshell he could still barely believe himself. "Jess was assaulted,
dad
by a gang of bikers, after I - I left him to co-ordinate that
stakeout
"
There was much more to it than that, of course, but Steve couldn't bring
himself to say just how much. Luckily his father was used to piecing together
cryptic clues, an expert at putting two and together. This latest puzzle
was painting a truly horrifying picture - one that Mark Sloan had to gently
verify. If Jesse had been raped
well, the consequences of such a brutal
act were, he knew, just beginning.
"Steve
?" he prompted at last, reaching across Jesse to place
a rallying hand on his son's shoulder - softly asking the same question
which Steve himself had been forced to ask, less than an hour before. "Steve
?
Son, did anything happen
? Was - Was Jess raped
?"
Not wishing him to suffer the same agonising wait for a reply that he'd
done, Steve shook his head. "No, but it - it was about to happen
Jess was pinned down, and one of them was on top of him
the custody
sergeant came back before
before
" Again he couldn't bring
himself to continue - but then, this time at least, he didn't need to.
The shocked outrage and horror beyond the relief on his father's face silently
said it all.
For several moments neither spoke - both sitting in silent shock, watching
their young friend sleep.
In a strange twist of irony, it was Jesse himself who, albeit temporarily,
didn't have a care in the world. Both Mark and Steve knew, though, that
carefree calmness would end as soon as Jesse woke up. It was Steve who finally
voiced the concerns and dismayed realisation that both of them shared. "No
wonder Jess flinched away from me in that cell
it - it must have been
just after it happened
"
"Yes, it would certainly explain why he's become so withdrawn
"
Mark agreed with a rueful sigh - mentally kicking himself for not pursuing
his concerns sooner while Steve softly voiced another of his.
"He's going to need help with this, dad
real help, I mean
professional help
"
Nodding agreement, Mark then offered his shaken son the most reassuring
smile he could manage. "There are rape trauma counsellors at the hospital
I can call them if we need to
" he said at last - meeting Steve's
stunned, wide eyed glance with another gentle, heartening squeeze on his
shoulder. "The shock of almost being raped can be every bit as traumatic
as that from the act itself, Steve. Now I'm not saying we'll necessarily
need them
let's just see how things go once Jess wakes up
"
Sensing that his son needed something positive to hold onto, Mark smiled,
nodding towards Jesse. "My hope is, though, that we won't need them
he's come through the hardest part already, Steve
he's told you what
happened
now he needs someone he trusts to help him come through the
rest
and of the three of us, Steve, you're the one he trusts the most
you're the one he opened up to
you're the one he's trusting to hold
him
so you're the one he'll trust to talk this through with
"
Even as he nodded agreement to his father's quiet words, Steve couldn't
quite fully believe them.
There was still a turmoil of fears and doubts tumbling through his mind
as he watched Jesse sleep - thoughts of anger and guilt which niggled relentlessly
at an already stricken conscience.
His best friend, his precious Jesse, had, albeit in shock, thought he'd
touched him to hurt him -
images of him flinching in terror in that cell returning to haunt Steve
Sloan even more deeply.
After such a traumatic morning, Steve had hoped for some peaceful quiet
to gather his thoughts.
The arrival of a concerned, well meaning friend, however, put paid to those
hopes.
"That'll be Amanda
she said she'd come back once she settled
CJ in daycare
" Mark explained, quietly hurrying to the front
door and so missing the frustrated scowl that had settled on Steve's face.
As expected, he found Amanda waiting patiently outside. So, to his surprise,
was Ben Matlock.
"Amanda told me the little guy's still feeling pretty rough
"
Ben explained to his startled friend.
"So I thought I'd drop by and
well, just see if you and me can't
cheer him up a bit
"
As touching as this gesture was, Mark knew Jesse was in no state at the
moment to appreciate it. It would, he knew, be a long time before his young
friend could appreciate a banjo playing lawyer. Amanda had sensed this too,
her own expectant smile fading as she saw the strain in Mark's eyes. "Mark,
what is it
? Has Steve found out what's wrong
?"
Sighing, Mark nodded while slipping an arm around her, in readiness for
the bombshell to come.
"Yes, honey, he has
" he said at last - dropping that devastating
bombshell as gently as he could. "Jess was assaulted in custody
and
well, I'm afraid it was an indecent assault
a serious one
from what Steve's managed to tell me, it was certainly close to being rape
"
It was as well he'd slipped that arm around Amanda, or else she may well
have collapsed from shock. As it was, her eyes grew wide in horror, staring
up at him in utter devastation as this news sunk in. "Oh, dear God,
no
! Mark no, not - not Jesse
!" she finally whispered, tears
welling in her eyes. "I - I mean, he's so gentle, and trusting, and
oh God, no, this - this can't have happened to him
!"
Unable to say any more, she allowed Mark to gently draw her in a reassuring,
comforting hug.
"I know, honey, I know
I can't take it in either
"
he said at last, trying his best to comfort her. "But he's alright,
Amanda
he's in shock, obviously, but he'll be okay
he's going
to be alright
at least now we know what's caused him to become so
withdrawn, and we can help him through this
we'll bring him through,
this, honey, as all families do
we're going to bring him through this
"
Gradually regaining her composure, Amanda nodded, wiping at her eyes, trying
to smile back at him. "Is he still here
? I - I mean, you've not
had to take him in for treatment, or - or anything
?"
"Yes, honey, he's still here
and he's getting the best treatment
he needs
" Mark assured her.
"He's sound asleep, where he knows he's safe, and Steve's keeping a
real close eye on him
"
"Yes, I can imagine
" Amanda nodded once more, her smile
fading with a new cause for concern. "And how is Steve
?"
"As devastated as Jesse
" Mark admitted quietly, in the same
concern for his shocked, outraged son.
Amanda didn't need to hear any more. Giving Mark a final hug and smile,
she then hurried inside.
Watching her go, Mark turned back to Ben who, not surprisingly, was no longer
grinning. Or smiling. Thinking for a moment, as though trying to decide
whether or not to continue, he then asked quietly, "That wasn't just
for Amanda's benefit, was it, Mark
? I mean, it was indecent, not rape
?"
"To be honest, Ben, I just don't know
" Mark replied quietly,
rubbing a weary hand across his eyes. "Jess told Steve there was no
penetration
and even in the state he's in, he'd never lie to Steve,
but
the severity of the assault, the fact that it was so close to
yes, Ben
yes, it could be classed as rape. And when Jess is strong
enough to let himself remember
oh dear God, Ben, when that happens
"
Pausing for a moment to regain his composure, Mark then cursed, giving up
an impossible task. "Damn it, this should never have happened
!
What the hell was he doing in there to start with
? There isn't a
malicious bone in that boy's body, he's the last person in the world who
deserved
" Unable to continue, Mark then sagged against the wall,
shaking his head in utter, helpless despair. "Oh, dear God
Jesse
why Jesse
?"
"I know, Mark
I know
" Ben replied softly, placing
a supportive hand on Mark's shoulder,
sharing his obvious bitterness and anger as they followed Amanda into the
house.
They found Steve still at Jesse's shoulder, his free arm wrapped around
a still visibly upset Amanda. His annoyance at the timing of her arrival
had vanished the moment he'd looked up and seen her - the tears of shock
in her eyes moving him to leave Jesse's side and wrap her in a comforting
hug.
Now he greeted his father, and an equally grim faced Ben Matlock with a
slight, still shaken smile. As Mark came to offer him a heartening pat on
his back, all eyes turned to the figure beside him - friends and family
united in silent, shocked concern as they watched Jesse sleep.
Steve had expected Jesse to just sleep for a few hours, in keeping with
his two previous fretful nights. No stranger to disturbed nights himself,
he'd not even had to ask if Jesse was getting enough sleep - the pale face
and those dark circles beneath his eyes told their own worrying story. He'd
heard him a couple of times too, passing by his room as he'd made his usual
'turning in' checks. They hadn't been nightmares as such, just vague mutterings
as he'd stirred restlessly under the covers. By the time Steve had padded
to his bedside, he'd settled again, into what passed for him as sleep -
and not wishing to disturb him, or startle him if he'd woken up, Steve had
padded away again.
Knowing now what those mutterings related to, Steve wished he hadn't left
quite so quickly.
The thought of Jesse re-living that brutal assault, even subconsciously,
just didn't bear thinking about. So it was to his combined relief and concern
that, eight hours later, his friend was still deeply asleep. In fact, Steve
noted in some surprise, he'd not moved, not even fidgeted, in those whole
eight hours. He was lying in exactly the same position as he'd been in when
he'd fallen into this depthless sleep - curled up on his right side, his
head on Steve's chest, gripping a fold of his friend's shirt in his hand.
Gently brushing Jesse's fringe back from his face, Steve now smiled at its
peaceful expression. He was still totally out for the count
beyond,
thankfully, the reach of even the worst of nightmares. That peaceful expression
had benefited Steve too, dissipating much of his earlier guilt-ridden anger.
Now, carefully shifting Jesse's weight to ease the cramp in his arm, Steve
looked up at his father, smiling his thanks for the coffee he'd brought
him, yet with tension and concern still clear in his eyes. Not even this
movement had brought any trace of reaction from the still, silent figure
beside him. "He really is out of it, isn't he, dad
?" he
said softly, glancing back to the huddled bundle in his arms "I mean,
I've seen him tired before, even to the point of collapse
but never
as wiped out as this
"
"Yes, son, I know
but sleep is the best thing for him right now
"
Mark replied with a gentle smile. "It's allowing his body to rest completely,
enabling it to recover from everything it's been through. And this is probably
the first decent spell of sleep that Jesse's had since this nightmare started,
so
well, I hope you're nicely comfy there, Steve
because you're
probably going to be there all night
"
"Yeah, I figured that
" Steve agreed, carefully hunkering
further back against the couch's armrest - clearly deciding that if he had
to bunk out on the couch all night, at least he'd do so in comfort. He'd
be well fed too, he noted, watching in some surprise as Mark set a tray
on the table beside him.
"My very own special babysitter's survival kit
" his father
explained with a grin, indicating the tray. "Sandwiches, munchies,
the obligatory donuts
and, most importantly, the TV remote control
"
That won him the easiest smile of the day as Steve nodded, helping himself
to the nearest plateful. Grateful for the lift in his son's mood, Mark winked
at him before crossing over to turn on the TV.
If truth be told, there was little on to hold Steve's interest - but then
again that didn't really matter.
Turning back to wryly comment on night time television, Mark then felt himself
proudly smile instead. In between bites of his sandwich and sips of his
coffee, Steve's concerns were predictably elsewhere - namely the hibernating
bundle that lay curled snugly asleep against him.
"You know, dad, I'd just like to know what's so good about this half
of the couch
" he said at last - meeting Mark's puzzled glance
with a welcome if slightly exasperated grin as he nodded downwards. "There's
enough room on here for Jess to go hiking, so he could at least stretch
into the other half
"
Fussing over Jesse once more, Steve didn't see the unease that flickered
briefly across his father's face He was unaware or, Mark noted sadly, just
choosing not to see his words' more serious significance. The real, devastating
reason why Jesse now slept so tightly huddled against him. Mark had recognised
it though
the tightly curled fetal position that Jesse had coiled
himself into. The defensive, self-comforting position of a rape victim too
terrified to sleep in any other way.This wasn't the time to tell Steve though
- not if he wanted his son to get some much needed rest. So instead he just
smiled, keeping his reply carefully casual while shaking out another blanket.
"Well, son, I expect Jess enjoys his comforts as much as the rest of
us, especially when he's asleep
and he clearly finds you much more
comfy than some lumpy set of cushions
" Watching Steve yawn and
nod his agreement, Mark smiled once more while patting his shoulder. "I
know it's been one hell of a day, Steve, but try and get some sleep yourself
"
he added gently -noting in both relief and amusement that his still yawning
son was already half way there.
Even when Steve gave in to his tiredness, Mark continued to quietly watch
over his sleeping boys. Huddled together on the couch, the incredible bond
between them had never shown to be stronger.
Over the next few days, that bond would never be more vital
Throughout that night, Jesse stayed held firm in a deep, healing sleep,
in a safe haven of dreams.
On the few occasions where he stirred fretfully out of those dreams, it
was always to a soft voice - one that soothingly assured him that he was
safe now, that nothing more could hurt him.
The one time he trembled awake and it wasn't there, another gentle voice
soothed him instead.
"Now, Jesse, you're really much too warm and comfy to be awake just
yet, so go back to sleep now
it's alright, son, you're safe now, everything's
going to be alright
but just sleep now, Jess
that's my boy
that's it, Jesse
it's alright, you're safe now
shhh, just go
back to sleep
"
Too exhausted to argue, Jesse nodded, allowing that warmth and comfort to
lull him back to sleep - but not before he'd glanced upwards, and recognised
the source of that warmth and comfort. And the weary smile that now settled
on his face was the most welcome sight Mark had seen in days. It was a smile
that quietly told him that, in time, Jesse Travis really was going to be
alright. More welcome still was the sight of him uncurling slightly out
of that tight, defensive huddle. The terror that had traumatised him so
deeply was finally beginning to loosen its grip.
There were still difficult issues to face, though - many awkward questions
still to be answered.
And for Steve Sloan, there was the more personal matter of why his orders
had not been followed.
Jesse was still sleeping peacefully when Steve returned from the precinct
later that morning -
which, given the way that he stormed through the den into the kitchen, was
nothing short of a miracle.
Mark wasn't so lucky though - looking up in startled surprise as Steve strode
through the door,
anger radiating from him like a lamp while he hurled his jacket onto a nearby
worktop.
"Well, if that doesn't beat all
" he seethed, tossing his
keys down with the same degree of fury.
"If that doesn't put the icing on this whole damn mess
! Damn
it, what the hell was he thinking
?"
Still startled, Mark watched his enraged son snatch down a coffee mug in
silent, concerned confusion. He'd seen his son angry before, of course -
but rarely had he seen him as livid with fury as this. It was, he knew,
going to take something pretty dramatic to defuse that alarmingly violent
anger. Mark Sloan managed it in four urgently whispered, gestured words.
"Shhh
! You'll wake Jesse
!"
It worked like a charm as Steve followed the direction of his father's guiding
nod towards the den - his protective concern over his young friend instantly
replacing his anger. "Oh, damn
" he said at last, wincing
in realisation as he crossed quickly back to the kitchen door. Peeking through
it for a few seconds, he turned back to offer his father a relieved, sheepish
grin.
"It's okay, he's still sleeping
"
With the tact he was famous for, Mark simply nodded while passing his son
a calming mug of coffee - rebuking his ill timed show of temper as only
Mark Sloan could. "Now, you throw this across the kitchen, you've
got to clean it up
!"
That won him another sheepish grin as Steve nodded, thankfully calmer now,
regaining control.
He was still clearly upset, though, prompting Mark to place a steadying
hand on his shoulder.
Even when he finally tried to apologise for his outburst, Mark persuaded
him more wisely otherwise. "No, son, get that down you first
"
he said gently, nodding towards a still fiercely clenched mug. As hoped
and expected, by the time Steve finished drinking his coffee, he was calm
enough to talk.
Even when he did so, however, there was no missing the tension beyond his
carefully softened voice. "I'm sorry, dad
guess I should have
stayed in the gym a little while longer before I came home
taken this
out a bit more on a punching bag instead of you and Jess
"
Mark felt his eyes widen, in both surprise and sympathy for what that punching
bag had suffered.
If this was his son after whacking the stuffing out of a punch-bag, what
had he been like before
?
Steve must have seen his reaction, since he now offered his father a rueful,
much more familiar grin. "Remind me at the end of the month, dad
I owe Lenny a new punch-bag
"
Sensing it was now safe enough to lighten the mood a little, Mark grinned
back at him.
"Another one
?" he retorted dryly - smiling at the 'ha ha'
face that Steve pulled in response.
Yet beyond the humour, Mark knew his son must have been really angry
to have needed that workout. With that anger now more or less punched out
of his system, he now needed to talk out its cause. So when Mark spoke again,
still with his hand on Steve's shoulder, it was with the utmost gentleness.
"What happened, Steve
?"
Steve's smile faded, his eyes darkening once more as he nodded towards a
plate on the worktop. "A donut, dad
a lousy donut
"
he said at last, picking up one of his favourite breakfast treats - studying
it with uncharacteristic disgust before, shaking his head, he placed it
back with the others. Guessing from a puzzled frown that he wasn't making
much sense, he then sighed and added softly, "When I left Jess to join
that stakeout, he was
well, not surprisingly, he was still pretty
shaken up. So I asked Larry Jenkins, the sergeant responsible for booking
him in, to keep an eye on him for me. That's all I asked of him, dad
just to keep an eye on Jesse, to - to make sure he was okay
"
Mark had already guessed where this conversation was heading, but he let
his son continue anyway -knowing this was the best, and only, way for him
to fully release the anger that lingered within him.
"So what does he do in his infinite wisdom
?" Steve continued
after several more moments -
feeling fully justified in adding some derogatory sarcasm to the still visibly
seething mix.
"Against my instructions, and more importantly violating regulations,
he leaves the custody area.
Not for an emergency, or for anything the regulations allow for
no,
he takes his ten minute break. He'd missed his break because of booking
in those bikers, so he decided he'd take it afterwards. And since he really
needed the men's room, he didn't bother finding someone to cover his absence.
He was only going to be 'round the corner', and
well, things looked
'nice and quiet
'"
As Mark stared back at him, Steve nodded, silently mirroring his father's
appalled realisation -
that an irresponsible violation of orders had left Jesse open to a violation
of a far more brutal kind. "My God
!" Mark said at last,
slowly shaking his head in utter disbelief at such outright stupidity. He
could understand his son's anger now - some of his own betrayed in his next
equally soft words. "And this Jenkins
I - I mean, surely he'll
face some kind of disciplinary action
?"
"Yeah, I guess so
" Steve replied distractedly, regarding
his father with a cynical, humourless smile. "Though from my experience
of LAPD paperwork, it'll probably get buried in a file somewhere
nothing
actually happened to Jess, apart from an assault he can't prove, and the
bikers are long gone
so the chances are Jenkins will get an official
warning from Bryant, perhaps a suspension
" Clearly thinking the
punishment didn't fit the crime, he then sighed once more, shaking his head.
"If it were down to me, I'd personally kick that moron off the force
!"
While not one to seek vengeance, Mark Sloan had to admit that his son had
a fully justified grievance. It was left to him, though, to make a more
rational suggestion to ensure that grievance was dealt with. "I'd imagine
Captain Bryant is just as angry, Steve
maybe when you go in tomorrow,
you can
"
"I'm not going in
" Steve cut in sharply - meeting his father's
startled glance with a still terse reply, "I told Bryant while I was
there
I'm taking some personal time until Jess is back on his feet
"
Recognising that no nonsense tone of voice, Mark simply nodded and stayed
sensibly silent - imagining that any protest the captain may have raised
over Steve's request hadn't lasted long.
Uncomfortably aware of the concern in his father's eyes, Steve then took
a deep steadying breath - his next words thankfully calmer but still conveying
every ounce of his anger and bitterness. "I - I could understand it
if Jenkins had been called away for something official, or urgent, but
my God, dad
! Jess came within seconds of being raped because the guy
went to get a donut
?!?" Doing to the worktop what he no doubt
wanted to do to Larry Jenkins, Steve took another deep breath, rubbing a
shaky hand across his eyes as the sheer enormity of what he'd just said
began to sink in. "A donut
" he whispered at last, shaking
his head in utter disbelief at the man's selfish stupidity. "My best
friend is practically raped because some moron of a sergeant wants a damn
donut
!" His voice then rose, the guilt of his conscience finally
breaking free in a stricken, furious outburst. "Oh dad, if I'd just
stayed with him, this would never have happened
! I could have stopped
this
! I should have stayed with him, dad
made sure Jess was
okay
been there for him, protected him
the one time he needed
me to keep him safe, and
damn it, dad, I wasn't there for him
!
How can I expect him to trust me now, dad
? I should have been there
for him, and I wasn't
! I should have been there
I - I could
have prevented this
so how can Jesse ever trust me again
?"
"Who says I won't
?"
The voice from behind them was quiet - but the words it had spoken were
set with determination.
And it provoked a two way double take that could have come straight out
of a slapstick movie.
Both Mark and Steve now stared at the shyly expectant Jesse Travis as though
they'd seen a ghost - which, given the hollow eyed paleness of his face,
wasn't perhaps so surprising.
The first to recover, Mark Sloan was now fighting a losing battle to keep
his face straight.
Still cocooned in blankets, frowning sleepily back at them, Jesse had de-aged
by two clear decades.All he needed was a teddy bear, or to start sucking
his thumb, and the time warp would be complete.
While Jesse had reverted to toddlerhood, Steve had transformed too -
into all out big brother mode. "Jess
? What are you doing up
?"
he demanded anxiously, hurrying across to Jesse's side - not giving his
startled friend a chance to reply, let alone protest, as he gently hustled
him onto a stool. "You shouldn't be up yet
you should be resting
shouldn't he, dad
? He should be resting
"
Ruefully wondering when he'd been volunteered to referee, Mark held up a
placating hand.
"I'd imagine Jess got up because he was hungry
" he replied,
offering Jesse an encouraging smile. "How about it, Jess
? Think
you can manage something to eat
?"
It was the same question he'd asked for almost three days now - met each
time with little success. This time, though, to his and Steve's open relief,
Jesse smiled wanly back at him and nodded. Recognising where he'd gone wrong
the previous day, Mark kept the options healthily simple - trading a happy
grin with Steve while they watched Jesse cautiously tuck into a small bowl
of cereal.
And rarely had a shy request for a second helping been met with such delighted
agreement.
By the time Jesse had downed two glasses of subtly sugared orange juice,
Mark was even happier. His face had finally regained some healthier colour,
the blue eyes regaining some of their focus.There was still turmoil in those
eyes, though, as Jesse glanced awkwardly across at them.
"I - I'm sorry, Mark
you too, Steve
" he said at last,
fretfully picking at the edge of his shirt.
"I should have told you earlier
I - I wanted to tell you, so
much, but I just didn't know how to
then the trial started, and I guess
that kinda took my mind off it, or made me blot it out, and
"
"Jess, you were in traumatised shock
it's okay, we both understand
"
Mark assured him,
his arm joining that of his son in a reassuring hug around Jesse's shoulders
as he added gently,
"And yes, my guess is that you went into complete denial, blocking
out what those bikers did to you. That couldn't last forever, though, and
as you began to remember what had been done to you
well anyway, you're
going to be alright now, son
that's all that matters
"
Jesse nodded in hesitant agreement, clearly thinking he still had much to
explain, to apologise for -another gentle two way hug across his shoulders
assuring him that neither was necessary.
Having been chivvied out of his own guilt trip, Jesse now sought to chivvy
Steve out of another.
"Did you really think I blamed you for what those bikers did to me
in that cell
?" he asked at last, looking up at Steve with a trusting
loyalty that relieved and dismayed his friend in equal measure. He'd prayed
so much to see that trust in Jesse's eyes again - but just wasn't sure he
still deserved it.
"To be honest, Jess, I didn't know what to think
" he finally
replied, sighing as he shook his head. "I wanted so much to stay with
you, to
well, be with you through all those procedures, but
"
"You were needed on that stakeout
" Jesse cut in softly,
casting him another calmly trusting glance. "Did you catch him
?
That suspect you were after
?" Caught off guard by such quiet
directness, Steve nodded - staring in surprise at what Jesse asked next.
"And how many women did you suspect that he'd raped and murdered
?"
"Three
possibly four
" Steve replied, still frowning
even as Jesse smiled gently up at him.
"So you caught a serial killer
you were doing your job
how could I ever resent you for that
?"
If it had come from anyone else, those words might have sounded woefully
hollow and clichéd.
Coming from Jesse, though
seeing the complete, unquestioning, unbroken
trust in his eyes -
well, Steve could only smile back
marvel at the depth of that trust
and gratefully accept them.
Mark was smiling too - grateful, as he so often was, for the calming influence
Jesse had on his son. Steve's anger, justifiable as it had been, had also
been unsettling, his disillusionment even more so. There'd been several
times when that disenchantment had nearly led to him leaving the force -
but, Mark suspected, this latest brush with a colleague's incompetence had
been the closest call yet. He didn't know how much of Steve's tirade Jesse
had heard, but he'd clearly heard that last part - and had realised that
Steve was heading for an irrational decision he would live to sorely regret.
Steve didn't know it yet, of course, but he wouldn't quit the job he loved.
Jesse would see to that. And, as Mark knew, once his young friend set his
mind on something, very little could stop him.
Watching his two boys heading into the den, Mark felt his smile proudly,
and knowingly widen.
For the moment at least, Jesse wasn't protesting over the brotherly arm
that rested across his shoulders Still recovering from his ordeal, he seemed
almost to be welcoming Steve's protective mother-henning But Mark knew this
truce would only last until Jesse's stubbornly independent streak returned.
And when that happened
well, it promised a highly entertaining
two way battle of wills
By breakfast time the next morning, things were showing reassuring signs
of returning to normal.
Mark rose early, as usual, and headed for the kitchen to fix his boys another
feast of eggs and bacon - only to find, to both his surprise and relief,
that one of those boys had beaten him to it.
From where he stood at the stove, watching over a batch of pancakes, Jesse
smiled shyly back at him. "I kinda wanted to
well, to say thanks
for everything you've done for me
" he explained softly - his
smile fading a little as he noticed Mark staring in wonder at the various
pots and pans before him.
"Aww, yeah, I guess I kinda got carried away, but I'll clear everything
up afterwards, and
"
The explanation cum apology skidded to a halt as Mark placed his hands on
Jesse's shoulders -
the best, and only, way he knew to bring that irrepressible torrent of chatter
to a standstill.
"First rule of cooking in this house, Jess
" he grinned,
casting his puzzled young friend a sly wink - gesturing for Jesse to listen
for the telltale sound of Steve coming upstairs to join them for breakfast.
"He who gets up first cooks breakfast
he who gets up last
"
"Clears up the mess
?" Jesse supplied, his eyes regaining
a trace of their usual, much missed sparkle.
"Exactly
" Mark agreed, laughing outright at Jesse's especially
welcome mischievous afterthought.
"Hey, in that case, I'll make a bit more
"
As he entered the kitchen, Steve could only wonder why his arrival was greeted
with such laughter - his detective instincts, and past experience, warning
him that he was better off not knowing. Not that he minded though - not
when Jesse was joining in that laughter so easily and freely. That laughter
had always been contagious, and in his relief at seeing Jesse looking so
much happier, Steve found himself joining in, dropping his arm in a playful
hug across Jesse's shoulders. Then he saw the pile of greasy pots in the
sink, and that brotherly affection faded into a rueful wince - one that
deepened as Jesse, grinning sweetly, added another grungy pan to an already
sizeable pile. "Okay, wise guy
" Steve muttered at last,
directing his very best glare towards a still smirking Jesse. "Tomorrow
I'll make sure I'm up first
and trust me, Jess, I can make
twice the mess you can
!"
Jesse's reaction to this light hearted threat was all that Steve, and his
father, could have hoped for. Blinking innocently back at his friend, Jesse
then grinned, shrugged - and took down yet another pan.
Beyond all the teasing and joking, though, far more serious matters had
yet to be fully resolved.
To the trained eyes of Mark Sloan, it was obvious that Jesse still had much
on his mind to talk through. At several times over breakfast, he'd grown
suddenly quiet and subdued, rubbing the back of his hand. Steve's protective
fussing was also still going unchallenged, another sign that Jesse was still
upset. So for once, the first rule of cooking was allowed to bend a little
as Mark nudged his son's arm. "I'll take care of this, Steve
"
he said gently, nodding to where Jesse stood outside on the sundeck - hands
in pockets, seemingly oblivious to the chilly breeze around him, staring
pensively out to sea. "You take care of Jesse
"
Nodding his agreement, Steve passed the washcloth to his father with a doubly
grateful smile, returning Mark's heartening pat on his arm with another
slight nod before heading outside.
Jesse's surprise at seeing him so unexpectedly soon was obvious - as was
his unspoken gratitude.
Watching them descend the deck-steps, Mark felt an eerie sense of déjà
vu from the previous morning. Under Steve's gently supportive arm, Jesse
looked so tiny in comparison, so small and vulnerable. But at least his
smile came slightly easier this time, knowing that the worst of the crisis
had passed. Knowing, too, that his surrogate son couldn't be in safer, more
caringly protective hands. They were certainly finding a lot to talk about,
Mark noted, watching them vanish behind the dunes. Enough to take them right
out onto the beach, much further than they'd walked the previous morning.
And with such clear, fresh sea air to whet their appetites, they were bound
to come back hungry - that thought prompting Mark to glance down, somewhat
ruefully, into his pan laden sink.
"Take your time, boys, I'm
uh, going to need it
" he
sighed at last, setting resignedly to work.
He was smiling as he said it though - smiling very proudly
Mark wasn't the only one who felt as though he was going through his
own Groundhog Day.
Amanda and Ben also felt a strange sense of déjà vu when they
arrived for dinner later that evening.
Mark, again, met them at the front door - just as he'd done when he'd dropped
that terrible bombshell. Except this time, to their relief, his smile came
much easier - his news happier, albeit rather puzzling. "We may have
to wait a while before we can eat, the
um
kids are still asleep
"
Seeing the surprise on their faces, Mark then chuckled softly, nodding his
own amused agreement. "Yes, I know
pretty odd to have them napping
at this time of day, but
well, both of them need it. They were out
walking and talking on the beach for most of the morning
this afternoon,
too, and
well, I think with all that fresh air and exercise, plus
a couple of decent square meals inside him, Jess felt ready for a nap when
they got back
Steve had some sleep to catch up on too, so
"
"So Jesse's eating again
?" Amanda cut in eagerly, unable
to hide her relief at this welcome news.
"Well, not as much as usual, but yes - at least he's eating
"
Mark nodded, sharing her open relief. "In fact, he was even up before
me this morning, cooking us breakfast to
well, you know Jesse
if there's a thoughtful way for him to say thank you, or to show his gratitude,
that boy will find it
"
Nodding in proud agreement, delighted by these signs of returning normality,
Amanda headed inside - that delight only increasing at the sight which greeted
her as she entered the living room.
Under a snug huddle of blankets, Jesse and Steve were the study of peaceful
brothers in arms.
And to Mark's happily relieved eyes, his young friend now stretched a little
further along the couch. She'd been too upset to enjoy it on her previous
visit, but Amanda could certainly appreciate it now - the expression of
total contentment on Jesse's face as he smiled through a happily carefree
dream. "Oh, Mark, I'd forgotten how adorable Jesse looks when he's
all tucked up asleep
!" she said at last, an already broad smile
becoming broader still as, unable to resist, she nodded playfully towards
Steve. "So does Steve, of course
I mean, I'd hate to be
accused of favouritism
"
"Well, at risk of showing favouritism too, honey, I'd have to agree
"
Mark grinned, winking at her- shelving the potential of his next words for
whenever he needed a favour from his long suffering son. "You think
he looks cute when he's asleep now, you should see some of his baby pictures
"
Grateful that a blissfully oblivious Steve wasn't awake to see, or hear,
the amusement around him, Mark then reached down the back of the couch to
gently straighten two tousled blond fringes - Jesse's drowsy sigh as he
snuggled further against Steve prompting a wry chuckle from Ben Matlock.
"That is one contented little fella
"
"Yes, our Jesse's never happier than when he's hanging around with
his big brother
" Mark agreed, glancing across at Amanda, trading
with her a shared smile of past memories, before he added wryly, "Mind
you, when he first came to us
well, I don't really think Steve quite
knew what hit him
! Jess followed him round like a puppy, driving Steve
crazy with his questions and eagerness to help
" Haunted by a
still painfully raw nightmare, Mark's smile then faded, his voice growing
even softer. "Then four months ago, Jess was infected with smallpox
we came damn close to losing him, Ben
by the time Steve tracked down
the antigen and got it back to us, Jess was in a deep coma, and
well,
you can imagine, everything changed after that
it was one hell of
a wake up call for all of us. Suddenly we realised how much this boy means
to us
and no one felt that more than Steve
"
"Yes, close calls like that tend to do that to you
" Ben
agreed quietly, glancing back towards Jesse - nodding to where his head
rested against Steve's shoulder, in a silent gesture of brotherly attachment.
"No need to ask who this little fella belongs to now, though
"
Smiling broadly once more, Mark nodded while reaching down again to fondly
stroke Jesse's cheek. "He belongs to all of us, Ben
" he
replied at last, enjoying his young friend's drowsily contented sigh "Between
the three of us, we can usually keep him out of trouble
well, most
of the time, anyway
and Jess knows that if he's upset or worried about
anything, he can always come to us for help, but
well, whenever he
needs to feel safe, protected
no-one keeps him safe quite the way
Steve does
"
"Those are the times when only a big brother will do
" Ben
agreed, smiling back at his friend -
his next words summing up not just Mark's feelings, but those for Steve
and Amanda as well.
"You really love this kid, don't you
?"
"He's an easy kid to love
" Mark agreed softly, casting his
adoptive son a fatherly proud glance, before leading Ben and Amanda into
the kitchen, leaving Jesse and Steve to sleep on in peace.
Not surprisingly, that peaceful sleep lasted only until the delicious
aromas of dinner reached the den.
And for Mark, there was twice the amusement this time as first Jesse then
Steve entered the kitchen -the latter proving he could de-age to tousled
haired childhood every bit as cutely as his little brother.
Beyond her own amusement, Amanda's reaction at seeing him was as predictable
as Jesse's response. "You're certainly looking much better, Jesse,
but
well, how are you feeling
?" she asked gently, her attempts
to straighten his fringe prompting a much missed, heartily welcomed groan
of protest.
"Aww, jeez, Amanda, don't you start on me too
!" Jesse pleaded,
jerking his head towards Steve. "I've already got Mary Poppins here
nannying all over me
!" He was smiling as he said it though, giggling
helplessly at the face which Steve pulled at him in reply.
Never to be outdone, Steve just grinned - choosing his moment before taking
his favourite revenge. As expected, the giggles rapidly stopped, to be replaced
by a baleful, conveniently ignored glare. Jesse hated having his
hair ruffled - which, needless to say, was why Steve delighted in doing
so. And of course, he then had to endure another session of having his fringe
motheringly straightened. Yet beyond all the teasing, there was also seriousness
in Jesse's eyes as he glanced back at Amanda, offering no protest against
the relieved, possessive tightness with which she now hugged him - just
as she'd done when he'd broken down in her arms, only ten days earlier.
There were no tears of despair this time - just whispered apologies for
causing her so much worry, and gentle assurances that no apologies were
needed as she kissed his cheek before letting him go.
From where he'd stood watching this exchange, Steve now glanced across at
his father and smiled - sharing with him a proudly relieved hope that the
crisis which had rocked them was finally easing.
As far as Jesse was concerned, though, one aspect of that crisis still
hadn't been fully resolved -
his pensive, oddly subdued quietness during dinner not lost on the ever
watchful eyes of Mark Sloan.
Steve had noticed it too, trading a concerned glance with his father as
Jesse glanced up at them,
with an awkwardness in his eyes which neither had expected to see again.
"Mark, it's kinda hard for me to ask you this
" Jesse said
at last, toying nervously with his atch.
"I - I mean, you've done so much for me already, with getting me out
of there, and everything, but
well, if the board decide to fire me
well
I - I mean, would you mind giving me a reference
?"
"Reference
?" Steve echoed, just pipping his father and Amanda
to the same stunned, startled post. "Jess, why would you need a reference
?"
"Well, for
I - I mean, for my next job
" Jesse replied,
now clearly as puzzled as everyone else. "I mean, if the board terminate
my contract, I'll have to start applying to other hospitals to
well,
you know, continue my residency, and
well, that's assuming they'll
accept me, and
well
"
"Jess, when the time comes for you to move on, I'll gladly give you
a reference
" Mark cut in softly, smiling at the curious astonishment
on Jesse's face as he reached to gently squeeze his shoulder. "But
trust me, son, you're not going to need that reference for a long, long
time
"
In spite of these reassurances, though, Jesse remained uneasy - yearning
uncertainty clear in his eyes. "Are - Are you sure, Mark
?"
he asked softly, glancing uncertainly between Mark and Steve. "I mean,
now that I have this record of being arrested, especially for murder, and
doing time, and
"
"Jess, that arrest record was nullified as soon as Jeri was arrested
at your trial
" Steve replied gently, reaching across the table
to slip his arm across Jesse's shoulders, trying to reassure and settle
him. "As far as the police are concerned, and anyone else for that
matter, you've been proven innocent
"
"Steve's right, Jess
you've been completely exonerated
"
Mark agreed, his voice equally gentle. "I know you're still suspended,
but there's no reason now for the hospital to terminate your contract. Once
your re-instatement goes through admin, we'll be thrilled and delighted
to have you back
"
Even as he enjoyed the smile of relief that lit up Jesse's face, Mark Sloan
remained quietly uneasy. That smile had been welcome but, as Mark had noted,
it still hadn't quite reached Jesse's eyes. For all their reassurances,
the stigma of his arrest and imprisonment was still clearly upsetting him.
A glance to his right confirmed that both Steve and Amanda shared the same
concerned realisation. Jesse hated fuss and attention at the best of times,
and with everything he was still going through - well, the surprise party
his colleagues had planned to welcome him back needed a discreet re-think.
There would be a party, of course - but only when Jesse was recovered
enough to enjoy it.
Early the next morning, Jesse sat on the end of his bed, staring pensively
at his mirrored reflection.
This was the Jesse Travis which his colleagues at Community General would
see in a few days time. A Jesse Travis who, on the outside at least, hadn't
changed from the last time they'd seen him. The tawny blond hair was still
tousled on top, that wretched fringe seemingly with a life of its own. His
face was still smooth and boyish, healthily tanned from all those walks
on the beach with Steve.
On the inside, though
well, his eyes betrayed the anguish that, Jesse
knew, would never fully leave. Physically he hadn't changed at all, but
mentally
ever since those bikers had grabbed hold of him
touched
him, felt him, handled him
stroked him in ways that had both terrified
and thrilled him
Mark's cheery shout that breakfast was ready broke, mercifully, into the
turmoil of Jesse's thoughts. Taking a deep breath, he rose to his feet,
offering his reflection a now familiar, private, daily promise. "I
will get through this
damn it, I won't let those perverts
ruin my life
"
Steve's brotherly yell that 'the washing up's waiting, shortstop' caused
his smile to gratefully widen. Whatever those bikers had done to him, whatever
demons he'd face in the days and weeks to come - well, at least he wouldn't
be facing those demons on his own. And when they came, he'd be ready.
Fate, however, was about to make Jesse confront those demons a lot sooner
than he'd expected
In another twist of destiny, it was Jesse who spotted her first as they
cleared away the breakfast dishes.
A lone figure, her clothing as tangled as straggly blonde hair, wandering
aimlessly along the beach. "Mark, wait
! That - that girl over
there, I think she's in trouble
!"
Following his young friend's guiding arm, Mark nodded his agreement, frowning
as he did so.
That dazed expression and dishevelled state of her clothing seemed shockingly,
worryingly familiar.
Before he could reply, though, or warn him against it, Jesse had descended
the sun-deck steps - compelled by a feeling he couldn't explain to walk
slowly towards the stricken figure who now sat, collapsed into a tight defensive
huddle on some sandbanks in front of the house.
Steve was already setting out to follow - staring in surprise as his father
gently caught his arm.
"No, son, leave him for a second
I think Jess needs to do this
on his own
"
Knowing better than to question his father, Steve nodded while still anxiously
watching Jesse.
He'd reached her now, crouching next to the girl who, not surprisingly,
still cowered away from him.
"Hi
my name's Jesse
" he said at last, keeping his
voice as soft and unthreatening as possible.
Although the fight had been brutally punched out of her, there was still
a danger that she'd bolt.
Her terror, one that Jesse recognised all too well, was both haunting and
pitiful for him to see.
She'd clearly struggled desperately to escape the brutes who'd assaulted
her - just as he had done. And while he'd been mercifully spared the full
horror of those bikers' sickening intentions,
it was obvious that this terrified girl, no older than he was himself, had
not been so lucky.
More than anything else in the world, Jesse wished he could take her into
his arms and hold her - to reassure and comfort her, protecting her
just as Steve had done for him, only a few days earlier. But Jesse knew
that, for the moment at least, such intimate contact was totally out of
the question. Until he won her trust, all he could do was talk to her -
try to persuade her that he meant her no harm. "It's okay, I'm a doctor
I'm not going to hurt you
it's okay, don't be scared, I won't hurt
you
"
A gang of rowdy bikers had told her the same thing, of course - promising
that they wouldn't hurt her. They had, of course. They'd hurt her, and violated
her, in the most brutal, degrading way possible. This Jesse's voice, though,
the gentle compassion within it, compelled Ellie Parker to look up at him
- enabling her to look into his eyes, and see the sympathy and regretful
understanding within them. An understanding that could only come from someone
who'd suffered the same brutal violation. They were kind eyes too, a striking
blue - every bit as gentle as the voice that still softly spoke to her.
The face they were set into was equally striking - cute rather than handsome,
but so gentle. So kind. And he really had the sweetest, gentlest smile.
To her astonishment, and his relieved delight, Ellie found herself smiling
tentatively back at him - accepting the offer of his hand, leaning on him
for support as Jesse carefully helped her to her feet.
Watching him gallantly drape his jacket around Ellie's shoulders, Mark turned
to Steve and smiled. "That's our Jesse
" he said softly,
giving his equally pride filled son a gentle pat on his shoulder, before
they both set out to help Jesse bring Ellie into very protective custody.
The medical tests were horrendous - every bit as invasive as the violations
she'd already suffered. Her only comfort, one she fiercely clung onto, was
the hand that shared every jerking clench of pain. When the pain and the
shock proved too much, he'd even sat at her shoulder, holding her in his
arms - shyly explaining that, when he'd been assaulted, a very special friend
had done the same for him.
It had comforted him then, Jesse had told her softly, just as he hoped it
comforted her now.
That same friend, Steve
the lieutenant she'd met on the beach, had
then gently questioned her.
His sensitivity had impressed her, as had the patient calmness with which
he'd taken her statement. That calmness had only slipped once, when she'd
described the gang of bikers who'd assaulted her. Then his eyes had hardened
in anger, glancing in shocked concern towards an equally shaken Jesse. She'd
guessed from the glances exchanged between them that Jesse had suffered
a similar ordeal - the smile with which Jesse finally responded as much
for Steve's benefit as it had been for Ellie. I've survived
I've
come through this
and you're going to be okay too
Ellie
had been the first to smile back, acknowledging the reassurance which he'd
silently given her. Steve's acknowledgment had come a few moments later,
in a brotherly hug across Jesse's shoulders - re-affirming a bond which,
Ellie had already realised, went far beyond any usual friendship.
Once Steve had left, she'd inevitably broke down again, clinging to him
as he held her close -
accepting the comfort which only another violated soul could provide, share
and understand.
"I just wish I'd done more to stop them, Jesse
!" she whispered
at last, helplessly shaking her head. "I - I tried so hard to get away,
but - but they were just too strong, I just couldn't stop them
!"
"Yes, Ellie, I know
I know
" Jesse replied softly,
lost in his own memories of helpless terror.
He'd not said anything in front of her, waiting until she was asleep before
he'd shakily told Steve - but from her description, he'd realised that he
and Ellie had been assaulted by the same gang of bikers. To see her now,
to see what they'd done to her
to think what they'd so nearly done
to him
He didn't regret helping her, but
oh God, seeing what
they'd done to Ellie was bringing it all back. He'd fought so hard, as Ellie
had done, to get away from them, but he'd been hopelessly outnumbered. And,
of course, his frantic struggles had only given his tormentor the sickening
thrill he'd wanted. I wonder if I gave that bastard the ride he wanted
he reckoned I'd be better than Space Mountain
Then he'd been touched
fondled
squeezed
and all the strength to fight had sagged out
of him. And what the hell would they have done to me if that sergeant
hadn't come back when he did
?
A fetid tongue had slithered across his cheek, smirking words taunting him
with the horrors to come.
And the pain. God, the pain. The horrendous, nerve-splitting, excruciating
pain
He must have started to tremble
sobbing, crying again, since Ellie
now hugged him gently closer. Just as she'd done on him, just moments before,
Jesse clung onto her as though his life depended on it. He'd thought he'd
put the nightmare of that day behind him, but no
how wrong he'd been.
The nightmare wasn't over yet
for either of them
not by a long
way
"It was them, wasn't it
?" Ellie said at last, drawing away
a little so that she could see his face -
the shattered expression she found there confirming the horrific truth she'd
already suspected.
"The bikers that raped me, they - they raped you too
"
Still dazed from his breakdown, Jesse stared at her for a moment, then took
a deep breath and nodded. After what'd he'd just told her, his senses still
reeling from it, he didn't feel up to telling her any more. Except something
was telling him that he had no choice
something struggling to escape
his mind
He couldn't breathe
! Not just from the hand that clamped so smotheringly
across his mouth, but
oh God, with this hulking mass of muscle sitting
on top of him, he just couldn't breathe
!
The massive weight shifted again, calloused hands pushing up his scrub top,
exposing his stomach. Groping fingers found him again, and as they did so,
Jesse Travis felt his body, mind and soul shatter. Tears of utter despair,
of helplessness, of shame, streamed from under still tightly closed eyes.
It was over. Done. Finished. There was, he knew, no point in fighting any
more.
Now, as then, Jesse Travis felt his senses reeling, His spirit shattered.
His world collapsed.
"Oh God
!" he finally gasped, paling as the brutal truth
he'd been privately denying finally hit him. "He - He raped me
!
He - he may not have got inside me, but
oh, dear God, he - he raped
me
!"
Ellie didn't know what distressed her more, the admission he'd just made
or the sight of him shaking - but her reaction, both to that admission and
the fresh anguish it had brought to his eyes, was the same. "Oh, Jesse
!"
she whispered, wrapping him back into a tight hug of mutual support and
comfort.
They were both crying now, each of them sharing and, in doing so, starting
the slow process of healing.
From where he stood, unnoticed, behind a semi-open door, Mark Sloan now
eased it silently closed. For a moment he toyed with the idea of going to
his young friend, in case he or Ellie needed his help, but then thought
better of it, realising that, however difficult it was, he had to leave
them alone. This was a time for them to have privacy, to give each other
comfort only they could understand. To intrude on them now - well, it would
only cause them both more upset, more distress. In spite of the dismay he
felt for his distraught, broken Jesse, Mark also felt relief as he moved
away. Thanks mainly to Steve, their young friend had made a remarkable recovery
from his horrific ordeal. But that recovery had barely touched the surface
of the healing, the real healing, that Jesse needed. It had taken
his meeting a fellow victim to bring him the acceptance he'd been searching
for. The final, vital acceptance of what had been done to him that, until
now, he'd been unable to admit.
He had, after all, been raped.
With that acceptance, he could finally begin the long, slow process of finding
true peace of mind.
Not surprisingly the tears flowed again, at home, after Steve found Jesse
crying alone in his room. Jesse hadn't needed to speak as Steve rushed to
his side. The utter despair on his face had said it all. And as Steve pulled
his shaking, sobbing little brother into his arms, they'd both cried together
- two hearts shattering under the truth which two traumatised minds had
struggled so hard to deny.
And this time Mark Sloan did intervene, with the strongest sleeping
tablets he could find.
Only when they'd succumbed to carefully doctored drinks had Mark Sloan surrendered
himself - giving in to his own anguish as he'd sat on Jesse's bed, cradling
his two sleeping boys in his arms.
"God, help us
" he'd whispered, part of him wondering if
that God he was praying to even existed. "Please, dear God, help us
get through this
"
With morning came reality - and one of the most difficult tasks that Mark
Sloan had ever faced.
"She'll be able to help you, son
and
well, at least you
already know her
"
Staring at the card in his hand, Jesse tried to force his eyes to focus
on what was printed on it.
Maggie Devlin, MD. Community General Hospital. Psychiatric Unit. Rape Counsellor.
Rape Counsellor
Finally he raised his head, staring up at Mark out
of empty eyes, before he finally nodded. "Okay
" he whispered
at last, his voice every bit as broken as those haunted, anguish filled
eyes. "Okay, Mark, I'll - I'll go
I'll try
"
The first session was horrendous, much of it spent crying helplessly
in Maggie Devlin's arms.
Slowly, though, as his strength started to return, as his trust in her grew,
it became easier.
Three days later, he could finally manage to get through its hour duration
without breaking down.
By the end of that week, having cried out all his terror, he felt comfortable
enough to really 'talk.'
At first the thought of lying on a psychiatrist's couch had almost sent
him screaming, but -
well, her softly lilting Irish accent as she'd gently coaxed him into talking
had proven oddly hypnotic. And it was being compelled 'to do things
'
that was taking up much of this latest session. "It - It just seems
so surreal, Maggie
that - that I was actually enjoying it
"
Jesse murmured, glancing over so that he could find guidance in the counsellor's
sympathetic, gently encouraging eyes. Finding strength in the understanding
he found there, he then smiled back, regaining his determination. "I
mean, I knew what he was doing to me
I - I could feel his hands on
me, touching me, but
as he started to touch me, the way he was making
me feel, I - I know how crazy this is gonna sound
but he was making
me want to please him, to - to do the things he wanted, however sick they
were
"
"It isn't crazy at all, Jesse
in fact it's the rapist's most
common weapon
" Maggie told him gently, smiling at the puzzled,
relieved stare she received in return as she passed him a fresh drink of
water. "Rape is the most extreme form of bullying, it preys on its
victim's terror of being hurt, even killed. To a rapist, control is paramount.
Forcing his victim to submit, however he does it, is all he wants. That's
what a rapist is looking for, Jesse
the complete control of his victim's
body and mind. In some cases, that even extends to bringing pleasure to
the victim too, as your rapist did to you. Once you come down from that
high, though
well, sadly, that's the familiar face of a rape victim.
The shame, as you've just talked about, for remembering the pleasure he
brought you
the disgrace
the self loathing of actually enjoying,
even contributing, to the violation of their own body. And that leads to
the anger, again self directed, and self destructive, at not doing more
to stop it
"
Jesse nodded thoughtfully, mentally ticking off each of these emotions that
he'd felt since the attack.
He'd gone through them all, to varying degrees - except the anger. That
had yet to fully hit.
But at least when it did, Jesse knew he'd have the strength and understanding
now to deal with it.
Maggie Devlin knew it too.
Watching his eyes, seeing the progress of this latest private healing within
them, Maggie smiled.
It was a smile of both personal and professional satisfaction. Personal
and professional relief.
She'd been appalled to see a broken Jesse Travis come to her as a patient
rather than a colleague. Finding out that he'd been raped had shaken her
deeply, and it had taken time to coax him to talk.
But at least he was talking now. Listening. Understanding. Accepting. Healing.
He still had a long way to go, of course, but he was getting there. Jesse
Travis was getting there
The news came two days later - and left Steve Sloan struggling to believe
what he'd just heard.
Finally aware of expectant concern beside him, he then turned to face his
father, his face ashen.
"That was Bryant
" he said at last, needing to take several
deep breaths before he could continue. "They've been caught, dad
the gang that attacked Jess and Ellie, they've been arrested in Oxnard
"
Beyond his open relief, Mark Sloan knew from his son's expression that this
news had come at cost.
Breathing deeply, Steve then delivered that news as gently as his shock
and anger would allow.
"Three college students, raped on campus
one girl's dead, her
boyfriend's critical in ICU
the third was able to give a description, and the license plate of the bike
she'd been attacked on
the bastards must have gotten sloppy
either that, or they were too damn high to notice
"
Too shocked to rebuke his son's language, Mark just stood staring at him,
dazedly shaking his head. "My God
!" he whispered at last,
the full horror of what he'd just been told finally sinking in. They'd been
a gang of serial rapists, preying on whatever vulnerable victim that they
could find.
Jesse
Male or female - to their sick, perverted, bestial minds, it hadn't mattered.
Jesse
The longer they'd gone uncaptured, the more violent they'd become - violent
enough to kill.
Jesse
And even as he grieved for the dead girl and her family, Mark couldn't escape
his own private horror.
Jesse
dear God, what if that had been Jesse
? What if they'd
been so violent with him that
?
He didn't even need to look up to know that Steve was sharing the same,
unthinkable thoughts.
Mark could feel the fury emanating from him, see the same tears of shock
and outright fear in his eyes.
"Phil reckons that Jess was lucky
" Steve said at last, casting
his father a bitter, humourless smile. Swallowing hard, still haunted by
the horrific alternative, he then nodded in shaken agreement. "I guess
he was
considering what those maniacs might have done to him if
"
Not trusting himself to speak, Mark simply nodded while absently massaging
his son's shoulders.
It was several minutes before he quietly broke the shocked silence between
them.
"They need to know, son
both of them, and
well, it'll be
easier for Jesse if it comes from you
"
Haunted once more by the last time he'd heard those words, Steve just nodded
in subdued agreement.
Dear God, hasn't he suffered enough
? he thought bitterly, following
his father to the door.
Damn it, when the hell is this nightmare going to end
?
Jesse didn't even have to ask the cause for Steve's unexpected arrival.
It was written all over his face.
For Ellie's benefit, though, and in many ways his own, he asked it anyway.
"They've been caught, haven't they
?" he said softly with,
all things considered, remarkable calm.
Glancing briefly at his father, receiving a 'go ahead' nod in reply, Steve
then turned back to Jesse - placing a protective hand on his young friend's
shoulder, preparing him for the tragedy to come.
"Yes, they've been caught, Jess
in Oxnard
"
Just as Mark had known, Jesse had already sensed that there was worse, much
worse, still to come. "Another attack
?" he asked softly,
the expression in his eyes defying Steve to leave anything out.
Knowing better than to even try, and prompted by another nod from his father,
Steve nodded too. "I'm afraid so, Jess
" he replied quietly,
slipping his other arm around Ellie's shoulders -
needing to hold both her, and Jesse especially, protectively closer for
the news he now broke to them. "Three college students, attacked on
campus
one of the victims, she
uh
didn't survive
"
The reaction was just as they'd expected - horror mirrored on two stunned,
suddenly paling faces.
And for Ellie, raped and left for dead on a remote part of the beach, the
horror was even greater. If those surfers hadn't driven past when they did,
laughingly suggesting that they 'take it to a room
' "Oh, my God
!"
she whispered at last, casting a stricken glance towards an equally shaken
Jesse - both realising, in a shared moment only they could understand, just
how lucky they were to be alive.
They'd both been brutally violated
but at least they'd survived
Recovering first, Jesse then pulled a visibly shaking Ellie into his arms,
trying to comfort her.
Even when she finally started to calm down, Jesse continued to comfort her,
refusing to let her go. She still needed him. And, God knew, he still needed
her. "Shh, it's okay
easy now, it's okay, it's going to be alright,
it's over now
it's all over
"
That wasn't strictly true, of course. Their attackers still had to come
to trial and be brought to justice.
And for that, witnesses and survivors would need to come forward to give
evidence.
With Ellie still too upset to do so, it was left to Jesse to quietly voice
the inevitable question.
"Will we need to testify
?"
"To be honest, Jess, I don't know yet
" Steve replied softly,
giving Jesse's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "From what Captain Bryant
told me, the victim who identified them has already said she'd testify.
We're waiting to hear about Joey Davis, the other survivor, he's
well,
he's still on the critical list
"
Steve then fell silent, furious with himself for not breaking that news
with more sensitivity.
He could only imagine what Jesse must be thinking now
that there but
for the grace of God
So it came as little surprise when Jesse simply nodded, his thoughts now
inevitably elsewhere.
The doctor in him had already guessed the horrific injuries which Joey Davis
had probably suffered.
Physically shaking unspeakable images out of his head, Jesse then glanced
up at Steve.
His mind was still reeling, bile still choking his throat - but he knew
what he had to do.
"I want to see them
" he said at last, his voice quiet but,
to his surprise, still steady and level.
Staring at his friend, Steve then shook his head, his big brother protectiveness
hitting hyperdrive.
"Jess, you don't have to do this
you've been through enough already,
without
"
"I know that, Steve, but I - I want to see them
" Jesse cut
in softly, his eyes silently pleading.
"I need to do this, Steve
even if I don't have to testify, I
have to do this
please, Steve
let me
"
One of these days, Steve would manage to say no to those big, plaintive
blue eyes. But not today. Besides, he'd now realised, and understood, why
his young friend needed to confront his tormentors. He had to bring himself
that closure, that proof, by seeing for himself that they really had been
caught. "Okay
" he said at last, dryly wondering if he'd
ever get to unwind himself from Jesse's little finger.
The answer came as soon as Jesse smiled that welcome, much missed, kid brother
smile back at him. That, Steve reflected, trading a proudly wry glance with
his father, was just never going to happen
Even though they all knew what to expect, the drive up to Oxnard was
understandably tense.
without the usual banter that made life in the Sloan household a real, if
often taxing, pleasure.
The usual source of that mischievous chatter sat quietly in the back seat,
staring out at the ocean.
Recognising this familiar form of therapy, Mark and Steve left him in peace
to prepare himself -
each sating their concern by keeping a discreet study of their young friend
in the rear view mirror.
Once in the ID room, Steve guided Jesse to a chair, quietly reassuring him
as he stood alongside.
"Now Jess, this is a one way mirror
they can't see you or hear
you, so you're perfectly safe
" Jesse knew this, of course - but
that didn't stop him from flinching slightly as they were led in.
He'd forgotten just how huge they were. Even in handcuffs, they still exuded
menace. Chilling evil.
He'd come here hoping that seeing them would lay the terror they'd inflicted
upon him to rest.
Yet, somehow, seeing them still wasn't enough. He wanted more. He needed
more. "Their - their names, do - do you know what they are
?"
Frowning in surprise, prompted by Steve's assenting nod, the sergeant then
consulted his notes.
Jesse merely nodded as each was read out, filing them away as part of his
own healing process.
Four of them had simply restrained him, subduing his cries and struggles,
pinning him down.
But the fifth
the fifth
The aptly named BoneCrusher.
Memories filled his mind once more - the smell, the sweat, the unyielding
weight on top of him.
His terror and agony, the shame of his helpless response each time those
fingers had found their target.
His tormentor's sniggers of approval as he'd squeezed him harder, forcing
him to gasp. Jerk. Submit.
Now, as then, Jesse tried to disassociate himself from the horrors of what
this brute had done to him. His whispered voice, when he finally found it,
matched his expression
flat, empty, void of emotion.
"That - That's him, he - he's the one that
that
raped me
"
Gentle words of soothing comfort barely registered as Jesse's tortured mind
refused to release him.
He could still feel the scramble to tidy him up after Snake's urgent hiss
that someone was coming.
Feel the massive bulk on top of him crawl clear from his body, with a speed
impressive for its size.
By the time Jenkins had reached them, to take Jesse up to the de-con unit,
it was all over.
Five grinning bikers stood, just as he'd left them, slouched idly against
the furthest wall of the cell.
His 'special charge' lay sprawled untidily on the cell's bunk, moaning softly,
his body twitching -
carefully re-arranged clothes and a strategically draped blanket hiding
a multitude of sins beneath.
As one violation had ended, another had started. An ordeal as degrading
as the one he'd just suffered.
And it was as he'd gone through those de-humanising procedures that the
realisation had hit him.
Halfway through, Jesse Travis had started, without warning, to shake. Then
he'd started to scream.
When the doctor had arrived, his patient sat whimpering softly, rocking
himself against the wall.
By the time Mark arrived a short time later, he'd withdrawn completely into
a silent, insentient husk - saying nothing, responding to nothing... simply
staring blankly at an opposite wall.
Just as he was doing now, Mark realised in silent alarm, watching the life
seep away from Jesse's eyes. Fighting to keep calm himself, he then quickly
set to work to bring him back from a dangerous brink. If Jesse were to fall
over that brink, Mark honestly doubted whether he'd be able to get him back.
"Okay, Jess, it's alright now, it's all over
deep breaths now,
son
no, Jess, don't fight me
just concentrate on my voice, and
your breathing
now breathe, Jess
slow, deep breaths
"
It took several anxious minutes, but finally Jesse blinked dazedly back
into the land of the living, staring in utter confusion as Mark draped yet
another hastily fetched blanket around his shoulders. Once he'd recovered
enough to manage it, he gratefully drank down a glass of reviving water
- offering them a still shaky smile as both Mark and Steve continued to
worriedly hover over him. "I'm - I'm okay
" he insisted,
although his still dazed expression betrayed that he still far from it.
And while Steve fully sympathised with his anxiety to leave, he knew it
was too soon to do so yet. "No, Jess, we need to wait here while the
guards get them back in their cells
"
A few minutes later, signalled that it was finally safe to leave, Steve
guided Jesse to the door -
too busy reassuring his friend to notice the scuffle at the far end of the
room
until it was too late.
It was the scenario that Steve Sloan had silently dreaded - the reason he'd
not wanted Jesse to do this.
His young friend now stood, face to face, just feet away, from the brute
who'd raped him.
There were no coated mirrors to protect him this time - nothing to protect
his identity.
And in contrast to Jesse's frozen terror, his tormentor was sickeningly
thrilled to see him again.
"Hey, cutie
! Wanna give me another ride
?" he gloated,
smirking even more as he noticed Steve. "Aww, and ya brought me a friend
this time
! One fine lookin' friend
!"
As the implications of this repulsive proposal sunk in, Steve's shocked
face grew livid with fury.
But it was Jesse's self control that snapped first, in truly spectacular
fashion.
His terror vanished - to be replaced by a tide of anger that surged, uncontrollably,
through his body.
To Mark's astonishment, and Steve's utter shock, Jesse pulled away from
their protective embrace, moving instead to confront his tormentor in a
modern day version of David against Goliath.
If they'd been able to see his face, Mark and Steve would have been shocked
by the anger there - the cold, bitter, dangerous fury that had turned gentle
blue eyes into glittering cobalt.
As it was, their shock came from the bitter, coarse words that were so totally
out of Jesse's character. "So you want to get up my butt again, do
you
? You want another ride off me
?"
Taken equally aback, the massive biker then grinned and winked in lascivious
approval.
"Aww yeah, cutie
you ride soooo good
"
he purred, swivelling his groin in sick anticipation.
What happened next happened so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that no one could
quite believe it.
"Ride this
!"
Without warning, Jesse then lashed his right foot hard and high between
the biker's legs -
with a force that brought his tormentor no form of perverted pleasure, only
excruciating pain.
As the biker staggered, howling in agony, the advantage of his height over
Jesse was tellingly lost.
Another kick found its target with even more ferocity, sending him collapsing
bonelessly to the floor.
Breathing hard, Jesse studied the writhing, moaning heap in front of him
in utter contempt.
"With love from Jesse and Ellie
" he snarled, casting his
fallen tormentor a final seething glare,
before he spun on his heel and strode past the dumbstruck Mark and Steve
towards the door.
He didn't slow his stride, didn't look back, just kept going until he was
right the way through it.
By the time Mark and Steve recovered themselves and caught up with him,
Jesse was outside - standing beside the car, slumped forward to lean on
its trunk, his head bowed between his arms.
They'd reached him just in time, since the adrenaline that had fuelled his
outburst had dissipated, leaving him dazed and disoriented, visibly shaking
as Steve and Mark rushed up to his side.
"M - Mark
? What - What happened
? How did I get out here
?"
Recognising the signs of hypoglycaemia, Mark gently coaxed his young friend
to sit on the ground, motioning for Steve to keep his head tucked between
his knees while he retrieved his medical kit. By the time he'd found some
sugared drinks and a blanket, Jesse's eyes had cleared a little - the confusion
of before now replaced by still dazed disbelief as he remembered what he'd
done. "I - I can't believe I just did that
!" he murmured,
staring up at them out of wide, frightened eyes.
"Oh God, Mark, what - what the hell got into me
? I - I've never
freaked out like that before
!"
To his surprise, Mark was smiling slightly as he pressed a carton of orange
juice into Jesse's hands. "Jesse, you've never been under so much stress
as this before
" he replied, patting Jesse's shoulder - trading
a relieved glance with Steve as the juice brought some welcome colour back
into Jesse's face. "You've been through a hell of a lot during these
last few weeks
under tremendous stress, and
well, son, the anger
that's been building up in you in that time just had to find a way out
"
Seeing the doubt and shame that lingered in Jesse's eyes, he then gave his
young friend a gentle hug - saying the words he knew Jesse needed to hear,
praying he still had the self respect to believe them. "I don't think
I'll ever be more proud of you, Jess, than I am right now
I'm so proud
of you, son
"
"That goes double for me, Jess
that was one of the bravest things
I've ever seen
" Steve agreed - gently hugging him closer as Jesse
blushed, embarrassed and appreciative in equal measure. "Come on, buddy,
let's get you home
"
Nodding in unresisting agreement, Jesse then turned to glance back at the
building behind him.
Beyond its walls, the pervert who'd raped him was now safely behind bars,
joined by his cohorts.
And with murder charges now hanging over them too, they'd never see daylight
again.
He was still watching it as they drove away, right up until it had vanished
completely from view - taking with it the final reminder, the remaining
memories of what had been done to him.
Settling back against Steve, he then rested a still aching head back against
his friend's shoulder.
"It's over
" he whispered, closing his eyes in submission
to the tiredness that was rushing over him. Then, to Mark and Steve's open
relief, that final smile of closure and acceptance finally appeared. Oh
boy
! Jesse thought, the smile widening as he drifted, unresistingly,
into the comfort of sleep. Wait till Maggie hears about this
!
The journey home was just as quiet as the one they'd made to Oxnard,
although for different reasons. They'd been in the station for less than
half an hour, but the toll on Jesse had been inevitably heavy. So it came
as little surprise to Mark and Steve to find that, within minutes of getting
back onto PCH, their young friend had curled up against Steve side, catching
up on the previous night's fitful sleep.
He was still out for the count when Mark pulled up in his driveway, posing
a tricky problem for Steve. Bunking on the couch was one thing
spending
the night squashed in his father's car quite another. Fortunately for Steve,
that wise and greatly amused father had a far more appealing alternative.
"Steve, he's totally out for the count
" Mark chuckled in
reply to his son's anxious concerns. "Believe me, we'll get Jess into
the house and tucked into bed, and he won't know a thing about it
"
He was right, of course, for which Steve was eternally grateful. To the
shared relief of them both, Jesse remained soundly asleep throughout the
patient task of extricating him from the car,
lifted back into Steve's arms, carried into the house and settled, gratefully
by Steve, into bed.
Easing stiff kinks from his back, Steve then studied the huddled bundle
in brotherly exasperation.
"That's it, Jess
starting tomorrow, you're going on a diet
!"
To Steve's dismay, that light hearted prediction came worryingly close
to the mark the next day - that notorious appetite faltering as Jesse struggled
to come to terms with this latest trauma.
By the following morning, though, after a thankfully untroubled night, the
appetite returned. And how.
If anything, the closure which those events had brought him had only made
Jesse hungrier -
as that brimming plateful of food, and Mark's shrewd 'I told you so' grin
happily testified.
Gradually aware of the amused glances around him, Jesse raised his head,
frowning back at them. "What
?" he asked, blue eyes wide
in that patented expression of total, highly dubious, innocence.
Recalling a time, not long ago, when he'd despaired over the loss of that
appetite, Mark just smiled. "Nothing, Jess
just thinking
"
he said at last, sharing that quiet reminiscence with Steve - sharing his
son's long suffering head shake as yet more rashers found their way onto
Jesse's plate. "Just thinking, I
uh
should have bought
more groceries
"
Yet beyond that bottomless appetite, Jesse was still troubled by what had
happened at Oxnard - hence another walk with Steve, just to the sun-deck
this time, to stand and watch the ocean.
"I still can't believe I kicked him like that
" he said at
last, thoughtfully studying his glass of juice.
"That anger I felt going through me
oh God, Steve, it - it was
scary to lose control like that
!
I - I guess when I saw him, the way he was looking at you, and what he said
about you, that
well, something just snapped
I - I just couldn't stand the thought
of him doing that to us, and
"
"I know, Jess
but as dad said, that anger had to come out
"
Steve cut in softly, gently hugging him. "Besides, if you hadn't flattened
him, I would
! No, Jess, you had every right to feel that anger
and believe me, buddy, that anger was far better coming out of you than
staying bottled up inside
" Thinking for a moment, waiting until
Jesse nodded agreement, he then sighed in mock disapproval. "You've
been overdosing on Buffy again, haven't you
?"
That was all it took. Jesse stared at him. Then his mouth twitched. Then
he collapsed with laughter.
Equally helpless, Steve then wrapped the giggling heap into a long hug of
pure pride and loving relief.
After several minutes, Jesse drew away, staring up at his friend with eyes
bright not just from laughter. "I - I couldn't have come through this
without you, Steve
" he said at last through a shaky smile. "Without
you, and your dad, and - and Amanda
well, I - I don't know what I'd
have done, and
"
Looking down into those depthless, idolising blue eyes, Steve felt a surge
of relief rush through him. At long last, he had his Jesse, his precious
little brother, back again. Really back again. Back for good.
Knowing Jesse's hatred for all things mushy, he then smiled while pulling
him back into another hug - resting his chin on top of the tousled blond
head so that Jesse wouldn't see the tears of joy in his eyes. "You
know something, shortstop
?" he said at last, pausing for effect,
before adding, totally deadpan, "You make a terrific chin rest
"
Muffled giggles and a retaliatory poke came from the centre of his chest,
and Steve's smile widened.
Turning his head slightly against Jesse's, Steve then met the eyes he knew
would be watching them - sharing with his father a broad smile, a nod of
agreement - an exchange of their own private closure.
It was over. Really over this time. The nightmare was finally, undoubtedly,
over.
Well, almost over. There was one continuing aspect of his recovery that
Jesse Travis still had to do.
One which, for all their support throughout his ordeal, Mark and Steve had
left him to do on his own.
Eyes wide, mouth open, Maggie Devlin stared across at her deeply blushing
patient in utter disbelief.
"You kicked him where
?!?"
The blue eyes of Jesse Travis dropped, suddenly finding the state of his
boots of enormous interest. When they finally raised again, peeking sheepishly
at her from under that tousled blond fringe, it was all she could do to
keep from laughing. The expression on his face was priceless.
"Guess that anger finally hit
" he murmured at last, clearly
unsettled by that anger's violent intensity.
Seeing this, Maggie then grew serious again as she passed him a reviving
glass of water.
"Far better to direct that anger at him, Jesse, rather than yourself
"
she replied, smiling back at him. "As I said before, the anger suffered
by a rape victim is often self directed, fuelled by self loathing. What
I told you before, about rapists craving control
? Well, sometimes
their victims fight back. They turn that anger back against the person who
violated them, usually by testifying against them. By seeing them brought
to justice, they regain control
their self respect
their pride
In
your case, someone you loved was threatened by the same person who'd brutally
raped you. I'm guessing that's what triggered it, Jess
? When BoneCrusher
made that remark about Steve
?"
"I - I guess so
" Jesse nodded, recovered enough now to meet
her eyes again, shrugging agreement. "I know how irrational it was
I mean, the guy was handcuffed and surrounded by guards, so
well,
I knew he couldn't get anywhere near us, but
God, just the way he
was looking at us
grinning at me, reminding me what he'd done to me,
it
aww jeez, Maggie, I just totally lost it
!"
"No, Jesse, you found it
" Maggie corrected him, smiling
at the puzzled stare she received in return. "Or rather you took it
back - the control that was taken away from you while you were being raped.
From being Jesse Travis, rape victim, you became Jesse Travis, rape survivor
"
It was only a change of a single word - but that change, Maggie Devlin knew,
made all the difference. She could see that difference now in Jesse's eyes,
in their expression of strength and determination. Encouraged by the gleam
of pride and satisfaction she'd seen there too, Maggie then grinned. "There
are extremes, of course
sometimes the payback goes a little too far
"
she said at last - hastening to explain, to reassure him once more, as some
of that precious pride faded from his eyes. "You'll have seen it on
the news, Jess
women going after their attackers with guns and cleavers
"
As he relaxed once more, nodding his understanding, Maggie allowed her grin
to mischievously return "And a damn good kick, preferably two, where
all that abuse came from, works pretty well too
"
The proof of her point was good to see as Jesse blushed once more, dissolving
into sheepish giggles.
"You know, I still can't believe I did it
" he finally admitted,
shaking his head in wry disbelief.
"I don't think Mark and Steve could quite believe it either
and
the look on BoneCrusher's face
"
"I can imagine
" Maggie chuckled, knowing it was now safe
for her to lighten the mood again.
"Not that I blame you, of course, but I guess the Hippocratic Oath
took a few seconds vacation
?"
Left with very little in the way of defence, Jesse pulled a face back at
her, trying to look indignant - failing miserably as a twitching mouth finally
surrendered to a full wattage mischievous grin.
"Just a few
" he shot back, easing himself back into the
cosiest couch he'd ever encountered.
Not even Mark's brown leather snuggler came close to this beauty for outright
comfy pleasure.
"I'm going to have to get myself one of these
" he said at
last, slouching into luxurious softness.
"Just what this doctor would order after a forty eight hour shift
"
"I'll see what I can arrange from my supplier
" Maggie retorted
dryly, grinning back at him - waiting for the right moment before quietly,
and seriously, asking her next appraising question.
"Speaking of which, how are you sleeping
?"
Realising there was still work to do, Jesse grew serious too before he relaxed
again and smiled.
"Pretty well
I mean, I've not had nightmares, which is
well, kinda surprising
" he said at last. "I would have expected
to
well, you know, have some kind of disturbed sleep, but so far so
good
"
Maggie nodded, noting in careful, practised discretion that her young patient
was telling the truth.
Under its mop of forever tousled hair, the face was well rested, bright
eyes free of telltale dark circles. "That's probably because of the
support you received before you came here to me
" she concluded
- noting with even greater satisfaction the broad, untroubled smile which
now spread across Jesse's face
"Yeah, Mark and Steve have been great to me
I couldn't have got
through this without them
" Realising what he'd said, and who
he'd said it to, he then stammered out a sheepish afterthought. "I
-I mean, you've been great too, Maggie, with helping me understand all this,
but
well
uh
"
As she remained seemingly unimpressed, Jesse then winced before trying the
failsafe plan B.
Out came the glacier melting smile.
To his relief, she was now smiling back at him, the pretence of hurt indignation
hopelessly crumbling. "That's alright, Jesse, you've known the Sloans
a lot longer than you've known me
" she grinned, wryly thinking
those big, puppy dog eyes of Dr Jesse Travis could be classed as lethal
weapons. She appreciated now why very few people, least of all Steve Sloan,
could resist those eyes for long. Thoughts of the detective who'd become
Jesse's oversize shadow caused her inward smile to widen. Physically, and
in terms of personality, they were as different as chalk and cheese
night and day. But the incredible bond between them had made the many differences
between them non existent - bringing the psychiatrist, smiling outwardly
too now, onto her next point of discussion. "And how is Mary Poppins
?"
If he'd not been laughing so much, Jesse might have tried an appallingly
bad Cockney accent.
Even as those giggles continued, there was no mistaking the grateful affection
in his reply.
"Nannying me to distraction
" he muttered, trying hard to
look exasperated - and failing dismally.
Even if he had managed it, Maggie Devlin knew too much about her
young patient to be fooled.
Beyond all the light hearted griping, she knew just how much Jesse Travis
enjoyed being cared for. And no one cared for him, protected him and loved
him as devotedly as his adoptive big brother. He would, she knew, be loitering
somewhere in the hospital, waiting to check in on 'his' Jesse. The talent
for mind reading was clearly contagious - a quiet, serious voice breaking
into her thoughts. "I - I was so scared this thing would wreck our
relationship
I mean, you hear about these things
friends and
family scared to be around you
touch you
hold you
"
"But that hasn't happened with you and Steve
? Or Mark and Amanda
?"
Maggie asked gently - relieved by the broad, if rather shy, smile which
spread back across Jesse's face as he shook his head.
"No, they've been great
I don't think I've felt more loved in
my life
!" he admitted quietly.
"I've never been hugged so much either, they - they just seem to know
when I need them to hold me. I came home from work last night and found
Amanda had completely restocked my kitchen.
Steve's changed into a magical nanny
don't tell him that, by the way,
or else he'll throttle me, and
well, Mark seems determined to shovel
food down me at every opportunity
"
"And needless to say, he's met with fierce resistance
?"
Maggie asked with a mischievous grin.
She'd seen that appetite in action some months earlier, during the hospital's
charity fundraiser.
Jesse had only needed a glimpse of that mouthwatering buffet, and that had
been it.
It was a good thing he loathed hospital food so much, otherwise the patients
wouldn't get fed at all
Grinning sheepishly around a handful of peanuts, Jesse then offered the
best defence he could think of. "Well, he's such a good cook, it seems
impolite to say no
and I'd hate to hurt his feelings
"
She wasn't buying it - even with his most melting smile, Dr Maggie Devlin
was not buying it.
Pulling a face back at her, Jesse then found something of enormous interest
on his name badge -
the open relief at its return prompting another gentle enquiry over his
continuing recovery.
"And how's work
?"
"Great
" Jesse grinned, his eyes lighting up like beacons,
glowing with relief and happiness.
"I was kinda
well, you know, kinda nervous about coming back
here, after what happened, but
everyone's been so good around me,
just like Mark and Steve and Amanda
so supportive, and
aww,
Maggie, I'd forgotten just how much I love this place
! It's just so
good to be back
!" The familiar trill of a beeper broke suddenly
into the conversation, prompting another sheepish grin. "Sorry, Maggie,
guess duty calls
I'm needed for an inbound RTA, but I'll be back later,
okay
?"
Nodding her agreement, Maggie Devlin's smile widened as she watched him
trot out of her office.
Not all of her patients were success stories but, to her relief, Jesse Travis
would be one of them.
He still had a way to go yet, of course. You didn't recover from being raped
overnight, but -
well, he was back where he belonged, doing the job he loved, surrounded
by the people he loved.
Yes, Maggie thought, still smiling, Jesse Travis would be one of the lucky
ones. He'd make it.
Two days later, he came to his first group meeting. And, to Maggie's delight,
he brought a friend.
Ellie had initially balked at the thought of telling total strangers
of the ordeal she'd gone through.
But then Jesse had reminded her, in that gently encouraging way of his,
that she'd already told him - stunning her with the calm, unfaltering revelation
that he'd already been going to private therapy.
She'd felt awful refusing him, but if he'd been disappointed, his eyes certainly
hadn't betrayed it.
Instead he'd just smiled that wonderful, non judgmental smile as he'd gently
kissed her forehead.
"Okay, honey, but
well, just think about it, okay
?"
Her already conscience-struck resolve had buckled completely when he'd smiled
that smile at her - causing her to chuckle as she'd silently recalled Amanda
Bentley's wry, openly fond advice.
"If Jesse unleashes that poor lost puppy dog look on you, honey,
then you'd better watch out
! He's pulled that stunt on me, and even
Mark, more times than we can remember, and as for Steve
"
That 'lost puppy' look was, indeed, beyond resistance. Within seconds, Ellie
had changed her mind.
Now, watching the rest of the support group take their seats, her doubts
and unease began to return . "Jesse, I - I don't know whether I can
do this
!" she said at last, agitatedly shaking her head."I
mean, I didn't realise there'd be so many people here, and we - we don't
even know them, and
"
"I know, Ellie
any first session of counselling will always be
the toughest
" Jesse soothed her, taking one hand into his while
slipping his other arm in a reassuring hug around her shoulders - drawing
on the memory of one friend's support and encouragement to offer comfort
to another.
"But it's okay, you're safe now
nothing more can hurt you, you're
not facing this alone.
I'll be right here beside you, and
hey, if I go first, you can just
follow my lead
okay
?"
Smiling back at him, Ellie nodded - finding the strength she needed in his
own determined courage.
Glancing around them, Ellie was surprised, and grateful, to see a whole
circle of encouraging faces. She'd never met any of these people before,
yet there was an unseen, unspoken bond between them. They were victims too,
she realised, rather than the strangers she'd seen them as only moments
before.
Feeling slightly guilty over those uncharitable thoughts, Ellie smiled tentatively
back at them.
But her eyes were only for one person as, prompted by Maggie Devlin, Jesse
rose to his feet.
Still holding Ellie's hand, to both give support and receive it, he then
quietly introduced himself.
"My name is Jesse
this is
um
my first time
"
he said at last, glancing shyly around him - smiling slightly as he felt
the supportive strength he found there lift a massive load from his shoulders.
I'm going to be okay
I really am going to be okay
When he spoke again, his voice was strong. Determined. Free of the shame
that had plagued him.
"My name is Jesse
seven weeks ago, while wrongly in prison custody,
I was raped
"