Disclaimer: We all know that Iolaus and Hercules and all other characters relating to them belong to Renaissance etc and we're only borrowing them! No infringement on any copyright of anyone anywhere is intended for any purpose ...!!

ANALYSIS

by Martine Barratt



"Tell me about your dreams"

"WHAT?!"

"Your dreams, tell me about them."

"Is this really necessary?"

"Well, no, if you prefer we can talk about your childhood"

"Aw this is ridiculous, I can't believe I'm doing this!"

"So you think this is ridiculous do you?"

"Yes..absolutely! I don't know how I ever got conned into this."

"Do you resent talking to me?"

"Do you ALWAYS ask questions?"

"It's my job. Does that bother you?"

"There ya go...you're doing it again. Will you quit with the questions!"

"How do you expect me to get to the root of the problem?"

"Listen...Fraudius, or whatever your name is..."

"Freudius."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don't want to be here, I don't *have* a problem. I came here under sufferance and I'm NOT answering any more of your weird questions."

"Don't you want to get better?"

"BETTER? BETTER? What's to get better? If Hercules hadn't insisted on me being here I would never have come!"

"So you want to blame your friend for this? Interesting, hmmn..very interesting..."

"Look, you've got it wrong, I'm not `blaming' Herc..I'm just saying that this is a waste of my time. And...and yours.."

"I have all the time in the world to listen to you young man. You're proving to be a very interesting case. What was your relationship like with your mother?"

"PARDON ME?"

"Your mother - did you have a close relationship with her; did she breast feed you or give you goat's milk?"

"OKAY - that's it!! I'm outta here. I don't care how much Herc wants me to do this I've been set up. You can...can..go stuff your advice, I don't have to sit here and take those kinds of insults, everywhere I go..insults!!"

"So..you're paranoid as well. Interesting personality traits. Yes, you're complex but I think I can help you."

"You might think so buddy but I'm not staying around long enough to find out."

"You will."

"Oh yes? Well, just watch me...I'm walking right now."

"You love him deeply don't you? Ahah..you hesitate. Perhaps you'll want to sit back down again before you fall?"

"I..d..don't...love, er, well I do `love' him...I just don't, er, *love* him...ahem. I'll just perch here on the bench for a second. I just felt a little warm. Actually it's my side, I'm not quite recovered and it gets to me occasionally. Daft really!"

"Hmmn...understandable, I heard you were very heroic. Here, have some water. Feeling a little better? Now perhaps you'll answer my first request. Tell me about your dreams Iolaus."

"This is crazy. I don't, I mean I' can't, talk about this, er..them with you! They're private!!"

"So you admit you have dreams?"

"Doesn't everyone? I mean, me..I know I have dreams - and Herc, well he's always dreaming. I sit up at night sometimes just watching him twitch, he's like the dog I had once as a kid..nice dog, always dreaming and kicking his hind legs as if he was trying to get away. could never figure that out. He was either running away from or towards something. Good hunter though, I guess he could have been chasing rabbits. I kinda miss him."

"And do you dream of running away from things?"

"Me? Well yeah..sometimes. Depends upon what's been happening in my life, you know, fighting Hydra's n' stuff. Sometimes it's like waking up in a fog, never really knowing where your life's going ya know? I guess I wonder sometimes what would happen if I did go...leave Herc that is. Mostly I don't dream about things in the past though..but when I think of Herc it's kinda like all the missed opport ....HEY...wait a
minute!! You've tricked me!!"

"A pity..this was just getting interesting. Feel any different?"

"Different? What do you mean? I don't feel *different*"

"You've been talking openly to me for a minute or two, you must feel relieved?"

"About what exactly?"

"Confessing is good for everyone son."

"Oh..so now you're a flaming priest. Well buddy boy, let me tell you, my conscience is clear enough. Whereas you..you tricked me!!"
"Is it clear?"

"Questions, questions, questions...*yeah* it IS? You got a problem with that?"

"Hmmn...gets... aggressive...when.... cross-examined"

"Hey what is that? Why are writing this down?"

"I have to, it's part of the code."

"Whaddya mean code? You into something secret then? Like Hecate's coven?"

"No, no my dear fellow, nothing like that. The code by which we do our work. Counselling is a precise art. I'm simply making notes on your mental condition in order to advise you later."

"Yeah, well there isn't going to be any `later'. I'm not going through with this and I am NOT mental! "

"So you won't admit that telling someone, someone *other* than your best friend, something about yourself makes you feel any better? I see. Well, if you're in denial about your true relationship with the son of Zeus then I suppose there's not much I can do for you"

"WHOA.....hold on...hang on just a minute...run that by me again? You didn't really say what I thought you said? Did you?"

"I think you heard me clearly enough. If you want to prove me wrong, let me help you find out what is."

"But I told you - there's `nothing' wrong. I'm just a little run down."

"Run down would be one word for it. But I suspect that you're not a happy man."

"How can you say that? Actually, you can say that; you don't know me. You certainly down know how `I' feel."

"Actually, you don't need to speak, it's there; in your body language. You're uncomfortable."

"You bet I'm uncomfortable, damn benches - I wish my butt was better padded like Hercs' is ....ohhh shit!"

"There you are you see, the tendency to say your friend's name at every opportunity is interesting...do you think about his backside often?"

"Look buddy, no offence meant but just what's your `interest' in all this? It's unnatural."

"M..my interest?"

"Yeah, why are you so interested in me, in Herc...in..our `relationship' with one another, not that we have any relationship, well, er...not like `that' anyway?"

"Why, purely humanitarian of course! And I resent the implication that it's anything more than that...!"

"AH HA...so NOW who's the one whose paranoid eh? I asked you a simple question...seems like you're on the defensive Frodius!"

"Freudius, that's F..R..E..U..D..I..U..S!"

"Yup...and insecure too. I can see it now, you're pretending to do this psychiatry thing to cover up the fact that you're the one who needs help. If I were you I'd take yourself off somewhere and have a good think about what you just said to me. Hercules wouldn't be best pleased if he thought you were thinking about him *that* way."

"NO! You're wrong, I mean you're right...I should, but you're wrong too..I don't think about Hercules like that...you can't make me go...I WON'T!! Ahem...just who's supposed to be doing the analysis here anyway?"

"Er...you?"

"Yes young man, and kindly remember that!"

"But you're so easy to tease.."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving. Like I told you before, this is pointless. It was fun while it lasted but there really isn't anything to be gained by me staying here. Damsels to save, monsters to kill, that kinda thing."

"Damsels?"

"Yeah, you know, pretty women. They kinda rely on me to save them sometimes. Er...me and Herc of course, although most of the time he just leaves that up to me."

"So he trusts you with women does he?"

"Ph..w..what? What kind of daft question is that? Of course he *trusts* me with them, I'm not some kind of bandit you know. I just happen to have a certain way with women. My charm..good looks..."

"On the same wavelength as them? Understand them do you? Hmmn...that's
interesting. It's very symptomatic of....oh..now, let me see what that word is...long one...starts with an `h'....gods my brain is going..."

"Oh crap...this is just nuts. I don't know how you can still keep me here listening to this rubbish. You're no more qualified to do this than Ares would be, in fact, I'm willing to bet that he has far more insight into the human condition than you'll ever have buster and that's *saying* something!"

"There's no need to be insulting!"

"Insulting? Who said anything about insulting? Actually, I think I'm the one who can claim to have been insulted here, with you insinuating that my relationship with Hercules is anything more than just friendship."

"Oh, I have no doubt that's what it is at the moment but I can see that you want more from your partnership, it's there, underlying your every gesture. There you are...you're squirming visibly. I must make a note of that...`interesting physical reaction when confronted with the truth'...and you're blushing too."

"HEY!"

"Please sir, don't shriek, my ear drums are sensitive to that kind of thing."

"I resemble that remark! I do NOT squirm, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality thank you very much and despite my appearance I have never taken a male lover, not that it's any business of yours. I...I'm perfectly capable of finding my own er...outlet...with some of my female friends. Aw..this is getting us nowhere."

"Er - hi"

"Herc!"

"Yuh?"

"What are you doing here? Actually, you're just in time."

"Ah...I just thought I'd pop my head round the door and see how everything's going. In time for what exactly?"

"It's just as well you arrived Hercules, I was just telling Iolaus here that he has a crush on......MMMmmphhhffff!"

"Iolaus! What on earth are you doing to Freudius? Take your hands off his mouth!"

"Not until he shuts up."

"But the poor man can't breathe."

"I don't care. Herc....tell him to shut up or his lips are going to get very, very blue."

"I'm sorry about my friend, he tends to get a little carried away sometimes. If you could just tell him that you'll be quiet, I'm sure he'll let you go.. Oh, sorry, I forgot, you can't. Perhaps if you just nod okay?"

"Uh huh..phew."

"Great, but I'm warning you if you make one more sound I'll send your teeth to join your tonsils!"

"Don't point Iolaus, it's rude."

"Wha? Oh yeah, sorry."

"This isn't going so well is it?"

"Oh good deduction Herc, I'm about ready to floor the guy. Sorry Frothius, no offence intended."

"FREUDIUS!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Er, perhaps you'd better, just for a second. Iolaus, what on earth is going on here?"

"Oh, you tell ME big guy! I'm trying to be polite, honest I am. It's just that Flavius is getting a little personal. Listen, I don't mind chatting about things and....well...I really am very grateful to you...grrr..both of you"

"Iolaus, that's not very convincing...you're gritting your teeth!"

"Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah. It really was kind of you to think you could help me by suggesting that I talk to this...this...this....*psychiatrist* but I don't honestly know what I'm supposed to do. Quite frankly Herc I'm a little hurt that you think
there's something wrong with me, you know, up `there'."

"Iolaus my friend, I don't think there's anything seriously wrong with you anywhere, it's just that you seem a little, distracted, around me lately and I can't figure out what's wrong. I wondered if it had something to do with your injury and I simply thought that you might like to talk to someone other than me. There's no shame in admitting that you're hurting and no one's going to blame you if you're getting
tired of the hero business and want a break. Fronius was very good with Iphicles after Rena died and.."

"FREUDIUS!"

"Oh Zeus! Yes, sorry, he's got me at it now. I apologise and er..shouldn't you be shutting up?"

"Oh let him talk if he wants to. I'm tired of all this Herc. I've had a busy day, busy couple of weeks, I admit that I'm worn out and yeah my side is hurting more than I let on, but you know I've coped with worse than a bit of a sword wound Hercules. I just don't need this, this....analysis stuff."

"I beg to differ son. You're tense and worried and you're keeping something to yourself that would be far better out in the open."

"Are you Iolaus?"

"NO....no...nothing. There's absolutely *nothing* I'm hiding. I wouldn't do that to you Herc, we share everything; well, almost everything! Don't listen to the guy, buddy please.."

"Please don't look at me like that Iolaus."

"What? Like what?"

"Like *that* - you know what!"

"I dunno what.."

"I do!!"

"No one's asking you. Hey, how come you've gone quiet all of a sudden?"

"Because you asked me to, actually, it was more like threatened, but I'll allow that you're in a highly emotional state because of your hormones."

"Gee, thanks! Hey! You leave my hormones out of this conversation!

So....are you *sure* you only shut up because I told you? I mean, you're not planning something, you know...like blurting something out that could get you into some very deep water? Dead even?"

"Me? Heaven forbid. No, no, no, I'm just content to watch you and listen to you talking. I think I'm learning more from seeing you two together, in the flesh as it were.. your eye movements, the inflection in your voice, the whole tone of your body language et cetera than through any question and answer session. Please, don't mind me, you two carry on, this is fascinating."

"Pervert! Hey Herc?"

"Yes Iolaus."

"Is he for real?"

"I think so my friend. Although I have to say that I don't quite understand what he's getting at either!"

"Yah...dead odd. Now where were we? Er...why have you got your hand in the air Fraid, er Frood....er whateveryournameis?"

"I was just going to tell you where you were and thought it more polite to put my hand up, just in case you decide to hit me again. You obviously were more intent on listening to the power of your own heart than to the words that came tumbling forth from your mouth eh? I can see that you get easily distracted around your friend (and frankly who can blame you!), either you feel smothered by his
huge...er..personality, or physically aroused by his proximity. It must inhibit your speech centres....utterly fascinating!"

"Would you mind repeating that...only this time do you think you could make it Greek because you lost me there a second pal....right about where you started talking about the heart. Oh yeah and, would please stop staying `fascinating', it's really starting to grate you know?

Herc, whaddya say we get out of here and leave this guy to mumble to himself? I'm starving. I could really use some of that corn bread Iphicles' cook baked this afternoon, with a thick slab of venison and maybe washed down with a mug of that great honey mead."

"Oh delightful, delightful. It's so charming the way you try to switch around to change the subject and distract us from knowing what you are truly thinking about. If I hadn't been watching your trousers closely I might even be fooled myself. It's an honour to examine you Iolaus, truly it is! Aaagghh!"

"IOLAUS! Take you hands off him. He doesn't mean any harm, put him down okay? Look, I'm sure he'll understand if you tell him you don't want his help any more. Be nice to him Iolaus.....he belongs to Iphicles."

"HELP? HELP? Did you say *help* Herc? I wouldn't accept that blustering little maggot's help now if he begged me to. He's gone wayyyy over the line this time...way over. So help me, I'll...I'll tie him in so many knots not even a sailor could undo them. Iphicles won't want the scumbag by the time I'm finished with him either.

`Be nice to him Iolaus' Huh!! Even you're siding with the loathsome little rat now Hercules. I thought you were my pal? All you've done is stick with him, the whole time. I'm struggling here and you're not even supporting me! Well fine partnership we have."

"Iolaus it's not like that."

"Yeah? Well how about if you tell me just how it is, eh? I mean, Frecius here calls me in, ostensibly to ask me a few simple questions about how I am and `zing', just like that, he turns into some perverted aural voyeur whose only interest is in perpertuating the myth that you and I are....that you and I are....are.."

"Would you like me to tell him Iolaus? Could I possibly get down here? Ouch!"

"YOU, keep your trap shut. I'll let you down when I'm good and ready. And you...Herc! Where do you think you're going? We haven't finished this conversation yet."

"Oh but I think we have Iolaus. I get the picture. You're upset because Fredius here has misinterpreted something you've said or done...."

"NOT DONE....I have definitely NOT done what he's misinterpreting!"

"Okay, not done. But whatever it is you've obviously given him cause to think it and now you're acting like a small child, you're like a petulant boy whose only way out of an argument is to resort to violence."

"Am not!"

"Are too!!"

"NOT!!!"

"Are!!!!"

"Um, pardon me for interrupting this, most interesting of conversations but would it be alright for me to point out that you're *both* behaving like children?"

"NO"

"NO"

"Good...that's cleared that up then."

"Herc....help!"

"Only if you let him go and talk sensibly about this. Iolaus, it's the only way or I'll leave you to it."

"Okay, okay. I give in. Fredius, I'm going to let you down now and I promise not to do that again...in fact, I apologise, unreservedly. I should never have tried to smother the life out of you, or hang you by the scruff of your neck, neither should I have thought such evil, wicked thoughts about slicing your tongue off by its root and shoving it...well let's just say shoving it shall we? Nor indeed skewering your balls on pikes in front of Iphicles' castle."

"Gulp"

"I realise that you were only trying to do your job and I forgive you for getting completely the wrong message about the relationship that I have with Hercules. It's only natural, I'm smaller, blond and devistatingly attractive to people of both sexes and Herc here...well he's big - everywhere - charming, debonair and handsome, oh yes...and a hero to boot and well, who *wouldn't* find him just gorgeous. But you
see, I never think about him that way because I'm too busy lusting after older men.....

Like you.."

"IOLAUS!!!?"

"ME??"

"Yes, you see, I've always secretly admired you Flavius. I think it's because I go for the more intelligent type, I always did love a man who was into papyrus."

"You can't be serious? Iolaus...tell me you're not serious?"

"Oh deadly serious Herkie. Don't you find him attractive? That little dimpled nose, those lush, hooded eyebrows, that plump bod. You know, I dream about him all the time, hot dreams, *very* hot dreams."

"STOP...stop...please, don't come any closer."

"But...Flebius...I thought that was what you wanted to hear? In fact, if you like Hercules so much..perhaps he'd be prepared to make it a threesome...Oh no, don't tell me you're going to reject me. After all this time of lusting after you. I don't think I could face rejection. I may just have to kill myself."

"WHAT? No, DON'T not on my account....please. Hercules, DO SOMETHING!"

"What do you want me to do about it Freudius? Iolaus knows that I've never stood in the way between him and true happiness. If it, sorry...*you*, are what he wants then I guess I'll be a good friend and help him get it...er...you."

"Why, Frenius...you're shaking. Not wedding night jitters I hope."

"WEDDING NIGHT? W..w..wedding night.?? Er...excuse me...I think I might ah..be, er...late for another appointment. Oh yes...dear me, is that the time? Well, ah...thank you Hercules, er for the honour of well....I don't know that I really did anything actually. I was of course sadly misdiagonising the situation completely, Iolaus is fine, just fine...nothing wrong with him in fact. I do hope you will forgive
em. Goodnight Hercules. Iolaus..."

"Sweet dreams Freudius, let's hope I star in them."

"Eek!!"

"Great, that's got rid of him."

"Iolaus!!"

"What?!"

"Don't you think you were being just a little bit cruel?"

"Oh boy...you should see the look on both your faces! Priceless, absolutely priceless. Oh dear...poor guy. He's probably going off to spread the word about me to the whole court."

"What, and risk losing his reputation. I don't think so Iolaus. Freudius may be many things but he knows which side his bread is buttered. He'll just slink away and try and impress some of the visiting dignitaries with his diagnostic skills. I still think you were mean."

"Well he deserved it, all those stupid questions. I mean, come on Herc, does he really think I'm going to let him get away with *those* kinds of remarks?"

"My friend, with you, anything is possible. Now what do you say to that mead, huh?"

"Hello mead? I want to swallow you whole...head n'all..."

"Oh very funny Iolaus. Nice to see you haven't lost your sense of humour over this."

"Hmmn...that was fun actually...

So...er...

........your room or mine tonight then Herc?"

"Mine I think....we made too much mess of the sheets in yours last
night!"

"Yeah but it was worth it...eh .....`big' guy!"

"Iolaus!!"


FINIS


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